Motto in this house: "Stupid people are everywhere, and they always take their car with them."

We went for dinner tonight with friends and, at the last minute before leaving the house, I grabbed my camera. I wasn't expecting anything to photograph, but every now and then, the residents of Huntsville surprise me. We agreed to head back to our house for an evening of socialization. Since Byron didn't know how to get back to our house, Jeff offered to ride with him.

I would take the car back by myself.

Having just gorged myself on sashimi, I rolled myself out to the car and slid a live Dave Brubeck CD into the player. It had been a good meal and good conversation; I was in the mood for something snappy and bubbly on a drive home that would likely be over too quickly, and thought that Paul Desmond's breezy runs on "Blue Rondo á la Turk" would be just the thing.I didn't even make it out to the highway before I spotted the car in the fast-food parking lot. Was it - ? I whipped left into the parking lot to make sure.

Yep. Riceboy.

It took me a minute or two to realize that the stain of light under the car was not from the neon signs of the restaurant. No, this car was equipped with the performance-enhancing Under-Car Glow (oh, and fake rotors too, but we won't bother ranting about that little issue). Looking further back on the car, I noted a surprising lack of decals, but a faint shimmer of color from the interior of the car that could only mean one thing: color-coordinated door panels.

We have not yet been able to ascertain if the yellow-green interior assists in vehicular performance, but we've been assured that it can cause cancer in some unusually-susceptible laboratory animals. Its carcinogenic properties aside, it must be remembered that yellow and green dyes have smaller molecular weights than grey and black dyes; changing from grey/black door panels to yellow/green door panels is a weight savings of at least fifteen pounds.

The true performance enthusiast knows that it's the small details - interior styling, chicken wire colors, etc. - that make the difference between a humdrum slowpoke of a car and a humdrum slowpoke of a car that looks like it can beat the pants off of every other car in the high school parking lot:

Ah, the teenage dedication to excellence. How I must admire it.

This car's owner has chosen to bolt on a wing to ensure that the back wheels of the car do not begin to float above the road, but has taken that modification one step further. Look closely at the trunk, and see the extra bolts used to make sure that this wing is utterly and truly safe:

Apparently this owner has been made aware of the potential performance issues that arise when wings, bolted to vehicles that never see the opportunity to drive fast, detach themselves of their own accord and migrate to cars which actually have need of their services. This boy has bought this wing, and is determined to keep it.

Sadly, I must report a serious, serious oversight to the modification of this vehicle. Given the time, love, and care taken to make sure that the wing will not detach itself mid-journey, it is difficult to explain the positioning and orientation of the tailpipe.

No, no, it's not that. We respect the rights of tailpipes to be oriented in whichever way they choose. It's a free country, and tailpipes are allowed by law to orient themselves in whichever direction they see fit. Given the obvious power and performance boost to be had from a monster tailpipe such as this, I must ask why the owner chose to allow this tailpipe to fritter its precious horsepower away in such a fashion. The force and power of this tailpipe should be oriented so as to provide the maximum benefit to the car it's attached to. Pointing it diagonally away from the direction of the 'push' will serve only to waste energy by attempting to push the car sideways.

The devil's in the details, folks.

Lastly, I must address the front of the car. The sides of the car have been understandable, the back understandable yet puzzling...but then there is the front of the car.

First, let us consider the lower half of the car. True, we understand the need for the neon; best to use it to alert low-riding roadkill of the lowness of the cow-catcher that's been placed on the front of the car. We also applaud the use of the neon because it does such a wonderful job of illuminating their masterful application of painted-white chicken wire.

But...we have to ask. What are those, coin holders? The places where your fog lights were before your kid brother stole them for his bike? Places where happy faces will eventually go? We are dumbfounded. Until further notice, we're going with the coin-holder idea.

Lastly... the windshield. What? Were you saying something? Could you please turn down your stereotype, sir? We can't hear ourselves think over it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, that paint job has caused my eyes to bleed. I need an aspirin and a cat-cuddle.