The Huntsville city schools closed at 12:30 today, provoking a mad scramble among my co-workers who are parents, in order to make arrangements for all snowflakes to arrive safely home (or to the loving eyes of caregivers elsewhere). The only problem with this scenario?

THERE AREN'T ANY TORNADOES.

Look, I understand the idea of being prepared, but you know what? I write this at 1:50 p.m., having just finished my delightful deli lunch, having looked at the weather map, and discovering that the storm line isn't even in Alabama yet.

Say it with me kids: they closed the schools for a storm system in Mississippi.

Now, let me be honest. There is no disputing that we'll get storms today. They are coming, and they're going to be heavy at times, and the unseasonable warmth means tornadoes can happen. On the other hand? Look at the map, and look at how fast the storms are traveling. The storms won't get here before 4:30 at the earliest. They'll be home and demanding dinner before it starts raining hard, much less storming.

So, apparently "ominous scawy storm clouds booga booga" are now a reason to close school.

Maybe Darwin was harder on us when I was in grade school. I remember learning tornado drills in hallways when I was a kid. There was none of this "send the snowflakes home in case we all die" nonsense.

However, I'm thinking those chickens outside might make some mighty fine eating tonight. I should go catch one.

As usual: if I die, I'll call.

Update#1: So I got the time wrong. First thunder heard in east Huntsville at about 3:20. We are, of course, all going to die now.

Amusing side note: Apparently mocking and contemplating eating Chicken Little is my yearly response to Huntsville's continuing moronity re: tornadoes. I highly recommend reading that entry, "Toilet paper will not save you" as a historical exercise.

All of HSV is at Wal-Mart. You'd think nobody here had ever heard of a tornado before! Hint: toilet paper WILL NOT SAVE YOU.

A few minutes later, a reply from Suzan:

No, but it will cover your ass!

If we had battenable things, we'd batten until we were blue in the face. Chicken Little is currently running through my neighborhood, squawking madly about the gathering clouds in the sky. The Arsenal's sending people home early and all the schools closed by 1 p.m., so the kiddies are out playing in the neighborhood and pulling Chicken Little's tail while loving the unseasonably warm weather and everybody's just having a grand old time…

…and to the west, the clouds have called up all their friends and some long-lost relatives and have decided it's time to come to Alabama for one of those old-school throwdowns. They'll supply the hail; we'll supply the targets.

Will we get hit with the 'Oh God Oh God We're All Going To Die' storms that the NOAA's Storm Prediction Center (bonus points for those of you who grew up in tornado country, because you all just muttered "based out of Norman, Oklahoma") says are coming our way? No way to tell. We'll do what any good tornado-averse citizens will do: we'll listen to the weather radio, keep an eye on the radar, and if it gets ucky* we'll grab some necessities and head over to Wesley & Mary's.

They have a basement, after all.

I wonder if Chicken Little is tasty with barbecue sauce. Seriously, he's scaring the populace, and all I wanted was to buy my usual groceries today. I'm buying bananas and portobello mushrooms, people, do you really think I'm doing anything today but my usual grocery shopping? I thought not. Now quit pretending like that can of soup is the most important purchase ever; if you were really trying to do disaster preparedness you'd be buying bottled water and updating your first aid kit.

Not to be flippant or anything, but you guys know my usual statement. If I die, I'll call.

* A technical term.

Experience Huntsville! kits have been available for some time at local retailers, but due to popular demand, are probably currently sold out†. Chances are good, though, that you - the average Huntsville visitor - probably have most of the individual components of an Experience Huntsville! kit already in your garage or attic:

• rocket engine (D size acceptable, JATO bottle preferred - can be 'liberated' from the Arsenal)
• pair of lightweight oars
• self-inflating raft
• handheld amateur radio
• self-inflatable decoy trailer park (posher models will come complete with inflatable rednecks equipped to play prerecorded "It sounded like a freight train!" comments)
• large lightweight flag (preferably safety orange)
• hand-cranked Personal Doppler Radar
• John Deere hat
• Dan Satterfield's cell phone number
• Geof Morris' useful book, "Redneck-English/English-Redneck Dictionary"
• bottle of Jack Daniel's

Official Experience Huntsville! kits have an estimated weight of fifty-seven pounds, and come with cushioned backpack-style straps for easy toting. Those of you planning to visit Huntsville by car should order the optional Experience Huntsville! kit cover. This heavy-duty kit cover comes with pre-drilled holes and two heavy-duty bungee cords, so that you can attach your Experience Huntsville! kit to your car and have it available at all times.

The following instructions are included with all official versions of the kit. They are printed in Spanish and English, with a clearly-drawn set of pictorial instructions for those unable or too panicked to read in any language at all.

Welcome To Your Experience Huntsville! Kit

Thank you for purchasing an Experience Huntsville! kit. By breaking the seal on this envelope, you have indicated that you are in need of the contents of this package, and hereby release Experience Huntsville!, LLC from any liabilities incurred by the usage of its contents. Experience Huntsville! kits should only be owned and operated by responsible adults. Do not attempt to use or activate any part of the Experience Huntsville! kit while driving or operating heavy machinery.

Step One: Determine If Problem Exists

Turn on amateur radio. Listen to local severe weather spotters. If coherent discussion is heard, you may stop reading now and open the bottle of Jack Daniel's. If garbled, incoherent screams are heard, place John Deere hat firmly on head and open the large electrostatic bag contained in the Experience Huntsville! kit. This is your Personal Doppler Radar.

Step Two: Determine Specific Nature Of Problem

In a dry area, crank the Personal Doppler Radar with a smooth, steady motion. Carefully study the results on the LCD screen. Compare the results with your current environment. Remember, an Experience Huntsville! kit will not function to its fullest capacity if you, the user, are not aware of your environment. If on an unusually muggy and still day, the sky begins to turn a greenish-grayish color, examine the screen of your Personal Doppler Radar closely to determine if the storm above you contains a 'hook effect.' This will determine which portions of your Experience Huntsville! kit you will need.

Step 2a: No Hook, No Water
Open the Jack Daniel's. Begin drinking. Carefully pack up your Experience Huntsville! kit for another use.

Step 2b: No Hook, But Lots Of Water
Skip to page 2, "Water Events." Do not prematurely activate bottle of Jack Daniel's!

Step 2c: We Have Hook But I Don't See Anything
Skip to page 3. Prepare bottle of Jack Daniel's, but do not prematurely activate it.

Step 2d: We Have - Oh Crap, What Is That In The Sky?
Take long pull from bottle of Jack Daniel's while skipping to page 4.

Using Your Experience Huntsville! Kit, page 2:

Water Events

It is critical to prepare early for a Huntsville Water Event (HWE) in order to get the maximum enjoyment from the experience. Early deployment of the Experience Huntsville! kit will enable you to react quickly, while maximizing enjoyment and minimizing unnecessary panic.

After determining an imminent HWE, strap the rocket engine to your back. If you can figure out how to activate it, do so, and immediately evacuate the area. (Caution: most injuries occur on landing, not takeoff!)

If the rocket engine malfunctions, or does not remove you from the immediate vicinity of the HWE, take it off, kick it three times, and discard it. Activate bottle of Jack Daniel's. While placing emergency flag in back left pocket and dictionary in back right pocket, pull tab to inflate raft.

Test structural integrity of oars by attempting to break each of them over your knee. Any oar that breaks is not suitable for use. Climb into the raft and firmly place John Deere hat on your head. Take bottle of Jack Daniel's and amateur radio and row to safety. Hoist flag, learn a few phrases from the dictionary, and hope for rescue.

Using Your Experience Huntsville! Kit, page 3:

We Have Hook But I Don't See Anything

Time is critical! You must deploy your Experience Huntsville! kit now in order to maximize tornadic enjoyment!

Caution: do not activate rocket engine in case of hook echo! A potential tornado is equally dangerous to you if you are in the air or on the ground. Experience Huntsville!, LLC recommends that, for optimum enjoyment, users should remain in contact with the ground at all times.

Place John Deere hat firmly on head, and Dan Satterfield's phone number in your front right pocket. You will need to carry your Personal Doppler Radar and your Decoy Trailer Park on different shoulders; studies indicate that carrying both on one shoulder greatly contributes to the risk of degenerative spinal injury later in life. Discard oars and raft in clearly-marked containers (if they haven't already blown away). Tuck bottle of Jack Daniel's in the crook of your arm. Caution! Jack Daniel's bottle is susceptible to hail damage; guard it carefully.

If you see any two of these three conditions, conduct frequent weather checks with your Personal Doppler Radar:

• greenish/blackish sky
• intense, frequent lightning
• hail of any size

Should all three events happen at once, and a hook echo is shown on your Personal Doppler Radar, skip to page 4. Otherwise, activate bottle of Jack Daniel's and wait for the power to come back on.

Using Your Experience Huntsville! Kit, page 4:

We Have - Oh Crap, What Is That In The Sky?

Take long drink from bottle of Jack Daniel's. Scan these instructions quickly, commit them to memory, then drop this page of instructions. You are now about to Experience Huntsville! at its finest.

The first step is the most critical: select a 'safe position.' Depending on the size of The Swirling Thing In The Sky, this will either need to be a sturdy, reinforced closet/basement, or a hastily-dug hole in the ground. If you can see sky around the Swirling Thing, select a room or basement. If, however, you can see nothing but the Swirling Thing, dig quickly (your oars will double as shovels).

In the time you have remaining, you need to activate the Decoy Trailer Park in order to change the path of the tornado away from you. The Decoy Trailer Park should be activated at least one hundred yards away from your 'safe position,' in order to guarantee safe usage. Caution! Usage of Decoy Trailer Park at distances less than one hundred yards will be construed as an illegal misuse of this product, and Experience Huntsville! LLC will not be responsible for any damages that are incurred.

To activate, take three long drinks from the bottle of Jack Daniel's and then press the button on the Decoy Trailer Park remote control three times. You should see an unbelievably-realistic trailer park, complete with rusting cars, appear within approximately 0.76 seconds.

If the Decoy Trailer Park inflates successfully, the tornado should immediately begin to turn toward it. The Decoy Trailer Park is designed to dissolve into fine, non-toxic, non-allergenic dust upon tornadic contact, thus allowing the tornado to vent its fury without causing much damage to surrounding structures. Nevertheless, users wearing contact lenses should shield their eyes.

If the Decoy Trailer Park does not inflate, or if the tornado ignores the Decoy Trailer Park and comes for you instead, you have two options.

Option 1: Stay And Drink

Bunker down in your hole. Repeatedly activate your bottle of Jack Daniel's. Ingest until room spins, then stop. You will either have a hangover or no house. Possibly both. Place John Deere hat on head and prepare to be interviewed.

Option 2: Drink And Run Screaming

If running is your preference, please exit the immediate vicinity of your Experience Huntsville! kit. You are among the special few who will experience the visceral thrill of running through Huntsville at top speed, screaming your lungs out while slugging back Jack Daniel's and preparing yourself for your imminent demise.

Just don't forget to call Dan Satterfield.

† Offer void or prohibited in areas with unusually high levels of water or tornadic activity. Contact your authorized Experience Huntsville! dealer for details.

Many thanks to Geof for providing the right humorous inspiration for a few parts of this bit of writing.

Don't get me wrong. I have the utmost respect for tornadoes. I remember the one that touched my parents' house when I was a child. A house a mile away was blown to bits, but all it did to our house was delicately lift the cap off of the chimney and set it down in the yard. I've seen tornadoes ravage my home state, seen friends' houses destroyed, spent time frantically calling friends to find out if they and their families were okay.But I only get upset or worried when there's a need to get upset or worried.

This snippet of text, taken from a satirical column in the Huntsville Times, sums our one of our local weather forecasters up well:

"Thursday, Feb. 15—WHNT weatherman D**** S*******'s 43rd prediction of snow this winter actually occurs: 0.7 inches fall, causing the entire population of Huntsville to rush out for bread and milk, whereupon they simultaneously crash on the Parkway. "

Translate that to tornadoes. Yep, you got it—the moment that anyone sees a greenish-looking cloud, or a weather forecaster decides something might happen, they start recommending that everyone get in their tornado shelters until the danger passes. The hyperbole is incredible—a certain local weather guy is known for either dismissing National Weather Service watches or warnings, or instituting his own when he feels that the NWS is not doing a satisfactory job.

I've heard this repeatedly, and witnessed some of it today. I'd heard that the guy in question got some kind of censure from the National Weather Service. It seems to be common knowledge. I've had a bit of trouble unearthing some proof of this, but I turned up a 1997 Associated Press article that seems to corroborate everything I've heard.

So—if there's a wall cloud outside and you're in the Huntsville area, turn on your television. Chances are, the local weather guys are having a hissy fit. It makes some of the viewers worry, I'm sure, but it makes many more scoff at the silliness of their coverage.

It's difficult not to want to veer in the direction of nonchalance when these people scream that the sky is falling when, in fact, it's just rain. It makes me wonder how seriously they'll be taken when a line of truly serious tornadoes comes through Alabama. Today's tornado coverage was frantic and breathless, and they only had one minor touchdown in the county.

I compare this to the "day of tornadoes" in Arkansas. Let's recap, for those of you who weren't there: the one in Arkadelphia was an F-4, had a path somewhere around thirty miles long and over a thousand yards wide—and it wasn't even the only tornado that day—by a long shot.

The weather forecasters were calmer and far more professional. As opposed to today, real damage was being done: homes destroyed, lives lost. Today…some rain fell. That's all. Yet, if you listened to the television at all this afternoon, you'd really think the sky was falling.

But it was just heavy rain and high winds.