Here's hoping that the 'rice' section of the site takes on a life of its own. After I started posting photos of the excruciatingly dumb things that people willingly do to their cars, Jeremy immediately piped up and said, "I have a couple of photos for you…"

…and what winners they are!

hsv_red_mazda
at , Skyline Acres, Alabama, United States by domesticat.
Memo #1 to the owner of the Mazda pictured here: In some ways, we at domesticat.net admire your restraint. We have noted the lack of low-profile, funky-colored mag wheels; should we interpret this to mean you've either retained some semblance of taste or that you just ran out of money?

Judging by the rest of the car, we believe the issue to be the latter. We suspect your lack of money has something to do with the fundage you spent putting a larger version of your car's logo across the back windshield. (We have a sneaking suspicion that this creates one heck of a blind spot, but we are not willing to get into your car to find out.)

We find the cover to your gas cap to be exceptionally disturbing. Is this just a decal, or does it actually fire a beacon up into the sky to tell the local superheroes that this ricer is desperately in need of a clue?

We think it's just a decal.

The taillights are ... impressive, in that doesn't-match-the-car and what-the-hell-were-you-thinking kind of way. We suspect they were actually some kind of modern art that you stole and forced to fit into the space where your taillights once were.

It takes a serious amount of money to make something that ugly. You could have made at least a lame attempt to match the taillight covers to your car. If you're totally out of money (see next paragraph) may we suggest a couple of bottles of cheap hooker-red nail polish? It would fit in with the theme of the car.

Memo #2 to owner of Mazda: Wings STILL not cool. This wing would not be cool even if you unbolted it to your car and re-bolted it to your ass. (Though we'd probably laugh more.) Bear in mind that the only way I'll ever think a wing is cool is if it is triangular, placed on the top of a car, and painted to resemble a shark's fin.

Kudos to Jeremy for risking life and limb to snap this photo while driving.

hsv_xtreme_saturn
at , Skyline Acres, Alabama, United States by domesticat.
Our next winner is also from a photograph provided to us by Jeremy. This white Saturn depicts a slightly different school of thought in the world of rice: the oh-so-tasteful use of decal and wheel to turn a previously-normal car into one that guarantees points and shrieks of laughter.

Memo #1 to Saturn owner: Bonus points for making mag wheels actually match color of car. Impressive, really; it shows a bit more planning and forethought than most ricers put into their cars. Also impressive that wing and decals match body of car.

Problem: spelling. This car confirms the growing suspicion that AutoZone and similar stores are charging far too much money for purchases of the letter 'E'. We understand if you are unwilling to pay the high cost for 'E's, but harbor sneaking suspicion that the truth actually lies in your inability to spell.

Don't be surprised if random people keep attempting to spray-paint the missing 'E' onto your window. They're just trying to help.

While we're on the topic of decals, we at domesticat.net would really like to know the speed coefficient of decals. Exactly how much speed does one get per square inch of applied decal? Also, we harbor a growing suspicion that speed provided by decal is inversely proportional to the quality and content of decal. (In other words, the lamer the decal, the faster the car?)

Factoring in the size of the tailpipe and the lameness of the decal, we have determined that this car must be able to exceed the speed of sound.

Memo #2 to owner of Saturn: Wings STILL not cool. We suspect that yours could be greatly benefited by the liberal application of red nail polish. After all, you cannot spend all your money on decals and overlook the importance of making your wing as flashy as it can be.

Thanks go out to Kat of portablekat.net for helping ID the red car, since my general lameness detector does not extend to identifying the makes and models of many cars. Jeremy took the photos. Previous rice archives (what few there are) can be found on the page for the entry category 'rice rice baby.'

Until next time, drive safely, photograph the good cars you see, and remember that red nail polish and the liberal application of decal can make your car go faster too!