Hey, baby, let's check me out. According to yahoo, this is me:

Nickname: domesticat (meow.)

Location: Huntsville, AL

Marital Status: Married

Gender: Female

...accompanied by a photo of Edmund.

(see full profile for yourself)

Back in my BBS days, we referred to these guys as "netsexers," and as far as we could tell, none of these guys ever realized they made trilobites look sexy and appealing in comparison. These were the kind of vertebrates whose idea of a hot, stimulating conversation was:

Boy: r u hot

Girl: ninety-eight-point-six, baby.

Boy: got boobs?

Girl: at least three. always good to have a spare handy.

Boy: *licks*

  *mounts*

  *comes*

  *leaves*

  Was it good for you?

Girl: Oh yes, you darling hot stud. I truly don't think I can take any more of your hot love action.

* Girl has logged off

You know the type.

Here's what I've always wondered. I respect the interchatwideworldweb as a place that breaks down barriers, but while I'm not a fan of going strictly by the books when it comes to life, it seems like there are a few niceties that should at least be attended to when trying to chat up another person for the first time.

Therefore, some rules, if you will, for scoring net.nookie.

Rule #1: count to five, then crotch-dive

In bars, it's considered polite not to shove your tongue down a girl's throat without at least a little conversation beforehand; the same applies with online conversation. Don't dive for the crotch until you've acquired at least a tiny bit of information about the person owned by the crotch. You don't necessarily need a full sexual history, but at least her name and a verification that she speaks English is usually sufficient.

Rule #2: finesse, finesse, finesse.

Or, as they say in meatspace, timing is everything. You should attempt to guide the conversation toward sex, instead of hitting the girl over the head with your meat cleaver of hot bubbling love. Without finesse, your proposition, no matter how worthy (or how large the aforementioned meat cleaver), will always get the same reaction as it would if you walked into a coffee shop and said to an attractive woman, "Nice tits - fancy a lick?"

Rule #3: assume desperation until proven otherwise

The really gorgeous folks are getting laid in real life. That leaves the rest of you broadband customers to scrabble around for what's left. Therefore, you must always assume that the person on the other end of the line is far more desperate than you. Be wary, be safe. We've all seen Fatal Attraction.

Rule #4: macros! macros! macros!

Nothing spoils the mood like having to having to type with your nose when your hands are busy. Invest in a program that lets you create handy little macros that increase your spank-to-type ratio while providing extra textual enjoyment for your partner. Think of it like a little symphony of macros; organize them properly and you won't even have to think - just follow the numerical progression. (Thinking's hard enough under normal circumstances, but you try thinking of how to spell the word 'masturbate' correctly when you've got a hot netchick on the line.)

Here are some action verbs to get you started. Be creative!

shift-F1: kiss

shift-F2: nibble

shift-F3: lick

shift-F4: suck

shift-F5: groan

shift-F6: pant

shift-F7: fondle

shift-F8: thrust

shift-F9: grind

shift-F10: spurt

Rule #5: bravado

Never take no for an answer. In net.chick speak, "no" means "convince me" and "go away" means "you're too much man for me. overwhelm me." You are a virtual Casanova with macros to match. Anyone who isn't interested just hasn't tried you yet.

Haven't found your inner stud yet? Remember, net.trolling is like poker. Ain't got crap? Bluff. Swagger. Fake it until you've got it.

It's just a net.fling. It's not like anyone takes this seriously anyway.

Rule #5 brought to you by the incomparable Geof and, like a good writer, I give credit.