Which word needs a definition?
While we're at it, let's go for two in one day! Yahoo user aces_allnight14, a strong studly specimen hailing from Birmingham, Alabama, appears to be so absolutely desperate to get laid that he's trolling for nethoneys…and found (you guessed it!) me.
Tact, honey. It's about tact. Heard of it? It's that non-negotiable part between meeting a woman and clubbing her over the head for sex. Some people refer to it as "small talk." I like to think of it as an occasionally-useful part of the pre-coital process.
Hmm. Small. Can't imagine why that word came to mind.
Gentle reader, I present this afternoon's entertainment:
|*** Auto-response sent to aces_allnight14: I'm somewhere around, but not at the computer.
** This has been a recording **
|aces_allnight14:||how u doin|
|aces_allnight14:||got any pics?|
|aces_allnight14:||where r u?|
|me:||Why, are you trying to hit on me?|
|aces_allnight14:||u a good fuck?|
|me:||I'm rather flabbergasted that you asked the question.|
|aces_allnight14:||so r u?|
|me:||Why so determined to have them?|
|aces_allnight14:||I dont care|
|me:||…and what DO you care about?|
|aces_allnight14:||you have any nudes?|
|me:||None that don't involve tentacles.|
|aces_allnight14:||what u mean?|
|me:||Which word needs a definition?|
|aces_allnight14:||u have any nudes of u?|
|me:||I'm guessing tentacles just don't do it for you, then?|
|aces_allnight14:||what do u mean?|
|aces_allnight14:||send me nudes of u if u have any|
|aces_allnight14:||do u have any?|
|me:||Again, for something you don't seem to care about, why do you keep asking?|
|aces_allnight14:||whereabouts r u?|
|me:||Hmm. Looks like Earth…|
|me:||Sorta looks like Alabama, judging by the soil.|
|me:||Why? Looking for an in-person hookup?|
|aces_allnight14:||why, u want to?|
|me:||Well, let's think about it. What could *possibly* go wrong with the idea of attempting an in-person hookup with someone who asks if I'm a good fuck within the first fifteen sentences?|
|me:||It's a valid question. You must admit that.|
|me:||Wow. No answer. I'm disappointed.|
The temptation of near-constant sex is almost enough to make me pack my stuff right now and head to Birmingham before Jeff gets home. I'd have at least a half-hour head start. I'm thinking aces_allnight14 would get through at least eight or nine wholly unsatisfying rounds in that half-hour…
…but I'd have to live the rest of my life with someone who thinks 'u' is an acceptable English variant of 'you.'
While it's true, the 'Y' and 'O' keys are mean little bitches and probably deserve some censure, I just can't condemn them to a life of uselessness. They'd undoubtedly crawl off my keyboard and haunt me in my sleep. They'd sit on the bed while Aces was trying to get his allnight on, staring balefully at me, wordlessly asking me, "Was it worth it?"
Sort of like Tenzing. Without the purring.