Avoid the friction burn! (not worksafe)

Take the bait, baby. No, bite a little deeper, honey; sink that hook allllllllllll the way in. Yes, show me your pustulent little orifice. I don't have all night, and I want to get back to my knitting.

Let's see if I can clarify something for you numbnuts who have missed the past twenty years: have unprotected sex with strangers and your Auntie Amy will plop your skanky-ass genitalia (not to mention the rest of your biohazardous bag of bones) in a time-out that will make the last ice age look like a quick little blink in God's eye. I'd ask if you were a moron, user joitred from yahoo…

STOP. Do not click on this link unless you are NOT at work and NOT somewhere in which a photo of a ho-hum naked guy wll get you in trouble, because that's what
joitred's profile is gonna get you. Congratulations, sir, you have a penis, and with that, you are just like 99.998% of most men in this world. (Offer void in certain Thai and Brazilian cities.)

…but I know the answer. You're a guy trolling the 'net for sex on a weeknight, hitting up random people on yahoo without even checking to see if they're available or even interested. People like you are the reason I don't think of geekboys as losers; they sit in front of a computer and do something interesting or occasionally even intellectual. You're just trolling for a marginally available twat.

Geekboys can at least hold a conversation.

joitred: just visiting Huntsville looking for some fun pic in profile
me: "looking for some fun"?
joitred: yes
me: meaning?
joitred: looking to eat some pussy
me: Discriminating, aren't you?
joitred: well im picky
joitred: pic?
me: Picky?
joitred: not into any real skinny chics
joitred: just a pretty face and a good attitude
me: I see. Does this approach typically work?
joitred: yes usually
joitred: guess it depends on where your at
joitred: but yeah honesty does
me: So i take it you've tried this before?
joitred: tried? done it
me: I'm not so sure I'd be proud of that
joitred: its all fun
me: Oh, yeah, all fun and games until the anonymous Panamanian hooker gives you the kind of warts that don't come off
me: C'mon, no comment to that? I'm surprised.
joitred: if not interested, dont say anything
me: Why, because anything other than a five-second commitment to an easy lay doesn't count?
joitred: not looking for 5 sec. 3 or more hours
joitred: long lasting here
me: Hate to tell ya, babe, but there's such a thing as "friction burn"
joitred: lube
joitred: just looking to eat some pussy anyway
me: Right … and I can sit here and discuss the varying appropriateness of silicone, glycerin, and oil-based ones. But my point remains.
me: For three hours? Surely it should take less time than that.
joitred: or as much as you can take
joitred: married i see
me: *applause* You read profiles. Congratulations!
me: I'd check your profile at this point, just for the sake of amusement, but given your subtlety of approach I would assume that you're probably the sort that posts naked photos of oneself as a sort of calling card.
joitred: hey just being hoenst about what i want
me: So why not just pick a woman up at a bar?
joitred: do that alot too
joitred: internet fits my busy life
me: …and what precautions, exactly, do you take?
joitred: well im trusting, do oral only, inspect carefully
joitred: condoms if shes up to it
me: "if"? You don't insist?
joitred: nope
joitred: im a hard fuck, like a porn star but love to eat pussy and get mine sucked, trade oral
joitred: busy professional just no time for dateing
me: …and the last time you were tested for something infectious was…?
joitred: 3 months ago
me: To speak bluntly, that's just really fucking creepy.
joitred: why?
joitred: whats the difference its casual and fun
me: Right. Casual + fun + unprotected sex with strangers = a strikingly high likelihood of a truly skanky-ass set of STDs that can't be un-caught.

So, as far as I can tell, the process is this: hook up with someone who exhibits at least a rudimentary concept of the English language (though I'm guessing if the answer to "Wanna fuck?" is anything more than "¿Que?", it will be construed as acceptable). Meet her someplace reasonably semi-private (read: anything short of the 50-yard line at the Super Bowl) and crack her open to see if there's anything openly pustulent.

Nothing oozing? Bang away, baby!

'Cause I hate to break it to you …

… wait, no I don't, because that would imply that I care …

… but there are few things that are more of a turn-off in bed than claiming to fuck like a porn star. Why, yes, I want to lie on an uncomfortable piece of furniture in a funny contorted position in clearly-painful high heels making fake moaning noises while some guy does a truly boring and repetitious bump-bump-bump on my nether bits for three hours.

I find this prospect so potentially exciting that I think I'm going to take myself out into the backyard and shoot myself. Out of pity. Once I'm done with the bullet, I'll pull it out of my brain and beat you to death with it.

Wouldn't want to waste it, you know.

* * * * *

Ladies, remember the pact we've sworn: never tell them about vibrators. They're not ready for the knowledge. These guys would be devastated to learn that they've never been the only game in town.

(Not to mention that if this conversation is any judge, the vibrators have got better game.)