Planetary love sonnets - just add water

So, anyway. Enough boring retellings of my day. What weirdnesses did you encounter on your little blue planet today?

Hey, quit giving me that weird look. No matter how tiresome this entry is, it's far, far better than my recounting the fact that when I was picking out produce at the supermarket today, the muzak got switched over to the 'disco' feed. Nothing like picking out oranges and romaine lettuce to the disco beat of "Never Knew Love Like This Before."It's not that I live on my own little otherwise-uninhabited planet, see? It's just that this particular planet's silliness makes me want to hole up and write deadpan little love sonnets to it.

Think about it—what's our planet contributed to the galaxy? If a group of bored interstellar travellers were roaming around the galaxy, trying to figure out what planet to visit next, what would they come here to see? Go ahead, ask me:

"So why would bored interstellar travellers bother to come to Earth?"

Therefore, I present you my list: things silly, obvious, and yet strangely (thankfully?) unique to our own little oceany-blue marble.

  1. Air conditioning.
    Only beings as persnickety as humans would think of—would WANT to—take a substance that is by nature light and fluffy and make it, well, lighter and fluffier. It's related to our obsession with fluffy biscuits…
  2. Tequila.
    I can already hear it. Aliens will come to our planet, armed with a towel and a phrasebook. The first words out of their (whatever they speak with) will be: "What is this 'lick it slam it suck it' thing, and why is it only for Saturday nights?" Now, mind you, there's really good tequila, too, but it's vastly overshadowed by That Other Stuff, thus landing a spot on this list.
  3. Elvis.
    Specifically, Graceland. Uh. Yeah. I get that.
  4. Golf.
    Please don't make me explain. Yes, yes, I know it takes talent and precision and practice. It's also got to be one of the silliest sports ever invented. Even ice skating makes more sense than this sport does. Any game that does not improve after three beers is not the game for me.
  5. Duct tape.
    There has to be an interstellar market for this. While it seems to never be used for ducts, it makes great clothing, and it would probably work really well for closing up black holes.
  6. The Dewey Decimal system.
    I've long suspected that the DDS proves the existence of time travel. Otherwise, this guy was not under the influence of crack when he wrote this, and that's an even more terrifying thought…
  7. Line dancing.
    Didn't anyone learn anything from the excesses of the disco era? Cowboy boots and a slicked-up floor seems to me more of a recipe for falling on your ass than having a good time. Authorities crack down on raves and permit line dancing—I ask you, which is the worse evil here?
  8. Lawyers (and, by that same token, actuarial accountants).
    Think about it—the galaxy is going to go crazy when they find out that people can literally make a living by ordering other people to pay them money. On other planets, they're called 'bums.'
  9. Hare Krishnas.
    Show me one person who looks good in orange robes. One.
  10. Spam.
    Needs absolutely no explanation at all.

Honorary mention: camels, ice cream cones, curling, Denis Leary, sitcoms, Listerene, and hippos.

Many thanks to Will for his help with this entry. Duct tape, yo.


What's wrong with Denis Leary? No, what was odd to me is that one of my customers would rather fax me a document than email it to me. Really. In this day and age, he'd rather deal with a clunky fax than geoffrey.morris at WHAT THE?! I had to call and suggest the idea. That, and the fuzz that Jim Beam inspires. Oh, Dr. Beam. My friend, my help in times of pain.

Nothing's wrong with Denis Leary! It's just that if you're going to come to this planet and see a comedian, he should be the one. I shudder to think that any other planet can say of Leary, French Taunter-style, "We've alllllllready GOT one!"

They'd be lying, and then they'd fling cows, and then we'd have to throw down. No wooden badger. I'm breaking out a can of whoop-ass.

I can see picking on the unsolicited email, but not the poor potted luncheon meat. It's tasty, it's gelatinous, and it comes in turkey flavor now! mmmm.......spam.......

Who looks good in orange robes ... Shaolin Monks. And don't ever tell one otherwise.

Yeah, didn't that one dude in Cowering Lion, Hidden Scarecrow wear one?

Yeah, I've gotta go with Brian on the Shaolin Monaks. That and the Dali Lama doesn't look too bad in orange. As for duct tape, I'm convinced that it actually was introduced to us by aliens because there is no way a human could have invented such a wonderfully multipurposeful item such as duct tape. It's the tool that any handyman/stage hand must always have on hand for emergencies.

It had to be an aero that designed it. That's why it's so superior! :p