Pledge Week, part 1 of 4

I'd like to take a moment out from your normal reading pleasure at to comment on the recent turn of events. I'd like to think that Amy wouldn't mind my stepping in and providing commentary while she is off in another room, watching a movie with Jeff.

I'm pleased to announce that, judging from the site stats, appears to have picked up readers number nine and ten! We at the Corporate end of are pleased to announce that due to this unexpected occurrence, we shall remain commercial- and advertisement-free for the time being.As you probably were not aware, Amy was under immediate and direct threats from's corporate sponsors to find some way of increasing readership to double digits or else she was going to be required (we truly dislike the word 'forced'—C.) to start including corporate advertisements in her entries.

We believe that you can get a good idea of her state of mind from reading the following email we received from her this morning:

To: "Chelseybabe"
From: "Amy"
Subject: Pledge Week

Chelsea dearest,

What the *censored* do you think you're doing? First you tell me that I 'may have to do corporate sponsorships' but you say that I can select from a variety of products. Now you tell me I have to push a particular set of products. I've taken a *censored* look at this so-called 'set' and I just want you to know it's utter *censored*!

Nobody bloody *censored* cares about this sort of stuff! For two years now you've been prattling on about how I should continue to follow my artistic instincts, to write about the things I care about, because "if you write about what you care about, Amy-cat, you'll get that readership you want! In the meantime, we'll support you!"



Remember that? You told me that at Christmas, you blond-haired cretin! Now it's April, I've had a *censored* month, my father *censored* died last month, and you're telling me that if I don't find more readers within the next sixty days that I've got to start pushing whatever products you tell me to? I saw your *censored* list, and let me tell you, it's not worth *censored*. I guarantee you that what few readers I've got will think the same *censored* thing!

I refuse to *censored* push *censored* napkin rings, embroidered-*censored*-ing tablecloths, and toilet-paper dispensers. I have some bloody dignity, you know. Maybe I'm spoiled. Maybe I'm just pissed because you guys at Corporate encouraged me to write about what I thought was important, and now I find out that I've got sixty *censored* days to tap-dance the way you want me to or otherwise you'll shut down my site? I don't believe this.

I'll find the *censored* readers. I absolutely will not *censored* push embroidered tablecloths on this site. I don't bloody well care if I have to bribe perfect STRANGERS to read my site—I will do THAT before I ever play your online *censored* product-pimp!

I don't like you anymore. I thought you were my *censored* friend. *censored* you. I can't believe I hired you. All I wanted to do was *censored* write, and now you're trying to take that away too.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Don't believe in yourself.
You're only a fallacy anyway.
Amy :: comments @
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I think you'll all agree with me that our artist-in-residence will be more than happy to learn that she's brought her site stats up to an acceptable level. We at Corporate plan to keep a close eye on both her well-being and her writing. We know that you readers of expect quality and consistency in your daily readings. We do not wish to force Amy to take on corporate sponsorship, but in the post dot-com-bust world, sometimes we have to do unpalatable things to stay afloat.

We at Corporate would like to hear from you. If you feel that there has been a significant change in the quality of writing at, please write to us and let us know. We will do our best to ensure that your reading experience is positive, thought-provoking, and pleasurable.

In the meantime, have a nice day. I have a prima donna to soothe.

Chelsea Uppington-Smythe
CFO and Brand Manager,

all tags: 


I'd just like to point out that you are one VERY nutty person. But I suppose we knew this and that's why why we keep coming back for more. This is great, and don't stop!

Public Broadcasting Rule #12 ... you can't take pledges until you have a tote bag. I'd get those little kids in Singapore working on some sub-standard cloth goods ASAP.

*suddenly it clicks* Oh, *that* kind of pledge week. I was thinking of, you know, sororities. It's honestly been about 7 or 8 years since I've seen or dealt with any kind of pledge drive in the monetary sense, that I just kinda forgot they existed. Okay, carry on.

How much do I have to pledge to get the complimentary "Edmund Sings The Blues" CD and the "Sumo Smackdown: Best of the Bowling Alley" videotape? =)

I must fess up...I would be reader no. 9! Have no idea how I found, but have been indulging myself and coming back for regular reads. It's pretty and enjoyable...thanks Amy! :o)

What a shame. My advertising network would serve you rather well. We would simply put unobtrusive ad boxes like you see on CNet in the middle of every comment. We have a wide variety of adult fetish sites that would love to advertise here. Please reconsider this rash action.

"Sumo Smackdown: Best of the Bowling Alley" can be bought at the Indiana Jones School of Management Bookstore. Other titles include "How to Pass Your Classes Without Ever Going to Them", "Insomnia and How to Make It Work for You", and "43 Ways to Drive Your Friends Batty". But I do want the "Edmund Sings The Blues" CD. That would r0013. Oh, and Chelsea: Uppington-Smythe yours, darlin'.

*giggling uncontrollably* you guys are loons LOL. :)