I really wish Taylor Gifts would get the hint and stop sending me crap. I've got to call them again tomorrow to voice my opinion and perhaps they'll leave me alone, dammit. Junk mail annoys me.

The cover item this time around has got to be one of the most obnoxious products brought to market in the past year or so. It's called "Big Mouth Billy Bass," and basically it's this fake mounted fish that you put on your wall. It SINGS and wiggles. It is the most utterly classless thing I've ever seen in my life. To me it screams "REDNECK!" I can't even find it funny. I have to wonder what marketing genius came up with this one. Here's hoping he got stock options, and that they tank in about four months and he goes back to doing whatever he was doing before (used car salesman?).

I marvel sometimes at the utter sheep-ness of American consumers. It's like they have this little robotic voice in their heads whispering, "Consume! Consume! Consume!" It doesn't matter how dumb, inane, useless, or detrimental the items are, just as long as they're BUYING something. I think we as a society are addicted to shopping.

I occasionally find it interesting to go out to stores just to look, but I tire of it quickly. Mostly because I realize that I'm not the consumer—I'm the product, and advertisers are trying to buy ME. Buy validity in my mind. Buy that priceless little moment of name recognition that will make me buy their product.

When you look at it that way, malls are some of the most disturbing places in American culture. We are cattle, and the cattle come willingly to the pen…

One of the best shirts I've seen lately is a shirt that says, "This shirt endorsed by no one." I think that sums up why I've not been comfortable wearing shirts with slogans or advertising printed on them, simply because I am not a billboard. I am not a walking advertisement, and I don't want to pay money to do so. Yet, even though I don't want to be, I am. My shoes are emblazoned with the emblem of the company that makes them. As are my jeans. Every time I walk out of the house, I am a walking advertisement for New Balance and Venezia, and it's difficult to do anything about it.

This pales in comparison to things like Tommy Hilfiger shirts. These people wear shirts with some arrogant mogul's name on them because the company spent a lot of money to make them think that that particular mogul's name, plus a few blocks of color, means that you're trendy.

Ever noticed how much those shirts friggin' cost? HELLOOOOOO? Rip the emblem off and the shirt's worth half as much! I'd rather buy the shirt that costs half as much and doesn't promote the ego of some multimillionaire by splattering his name all over women's chests in public.

Another media entity whose media campaign amuses me: Coca-Cola. [trademark, restricted, yadda yadda, don't come take my stuff 'cause I said your name and it showed up on a search engine, you silly lawyers] Let's think about this. These guys spend a zillion dollars in advertising every year. You know what? They HAVE to, to keep their product in your mind.

Think about it. This isn't a new product. There's no innovation, no change, no nothing new at all. It's the same sticky sweet substance in every single container; when you buy it, you know exactly what you're getting. What do you see when you see a Coke ad? People having fun. Do they ever talk about the product they're selling? No—because everyone already knows what it is and knows what it tastes like.

What they're selling to you is an image. Drink this, and you'll be like the people you're watching on TV. Drink this, and you can have has much fun as the people you're watching. Drink this, because when you do, you'll think of cute polar bears.

They must continually morph, change, and update Coke's image—because that's the only thing about their product that can change. They want you to feel that an unchanging product continually morphs with the changing times so that the Coke you'll drink tomorrow is just as cool as the one you drank five years ago.

It's why very few people, in comparison, drink RC Cola. Because RC isn't cool.

You're the product. What's your price tag?