Speed undercover -- Spaetzle The Jetta!

“What sets apart Rice-Boys from normal performance enthusiasts is that they are more concerned with the image of speed than they are about actual performance.”—riceboypage.com

Is it just me or do the twentysomething males of the world have far, far too much free time on their hands? Kat and Sean had to explain the concept of “ricing” one’s car—in other words, taking a car [generally Japanese, thus the nickname] that isn’t really designed for speed….…and making it look like it was made for speed.

Generally without doing anything to actually make the car go faster.

Scratching your head in wonderment? Oh, yes, so was I. Until they started pointing the cars out to me, that is. Little four-cylinder cars equipped with the little hatchback wing gadget-whatchamacallits, insanely expensive (and shiny!) wheels, headlights modified to include blue strobe lights…and, most importantly, the 14”-diameter tailpipe.

After all, if you have an enormous tailpipe (or two!) and take out the muffler of your car, your car will of course go faster. Yes. Really.

Truly, though, I missed out. I mean, think about what my old Plymouth Sundance would’ve looked like if I’d lowered it a few inches, pimped out the tires, put a few “I’m so bad-ass” stickers on the back window, and put a wing on the hatchback! I could’ve pulled up to stoplights and terrorized the people next to me with the roaring sounds of …. oh, wait …. no matter how many stickers and cutesy bits I applied to my car, it still would’ve been an underpowered four-cylinder car.

But it would have looked like it had sharp pointy teeth, and appearances are what matter most. It would be something like giving the four unionized hamsters* that ran the car mohawks, pierced ears, and a bottle each of Bacardi 151.

Need proof? See this page.

Meanwhile, I find it hilarious that my sleek yet somewhat sedate-looking Jetta can blow past most of the cars that wish to taunt it. Call me “Speed Undercover.” But, if I decide that the secret agent way just isn’t working any more, got any ideas on what I could do to the darling Jetta?

An interesting question: if you ‘rice’ Japanese cars and ‘wheat’ American ones…what are you going to do with German ones? Barley them? Spaetzle them? Flugelhorn them?

I’m going with ‘spaetzle’ until proven otherwise.

* What? You’ve never heard me refer to my unionized hamsters? Think about it. Not only do you get the total lack of performance that a hamster-powered car provides, you also get the refusal to work harder/faster/longer. How it worked: the Sundance would try to go up a hill, the hamsters would file a complaint with the local Hamster Labor Office, and they would refuse to work any faster. Therefore, the car would go slower and slower as it went up the hill.

So, give ‘em mohawks, some high-octane ‘fuel,’ and a couple of rodent body piercings. They won’t go any faster, but by George they’ll think they’re running the most bad-ass rodent-powered car ever.

I was going somewhere with this…really, I was. Just stick with the image of the hamster-powered car and you’re good to go. In comparison, the Jetta is run by some seriously steroid-enhanced German squirrels. Günter, Konrad, and Friedrich have got it all under control…

Yeah. Anyway. Good night.

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