Zero to you both

With twenty minutes left to go on the elliptical machine this morning, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was time for us to purchase a new mp3 player. Our current one, bought for $30 off of Heather some time ago, has developed the electrical equipment of Alzheimer’s; it no longer remembers that it’s supposed to play mp3s as well as audio CDs, and only plays audio CDs when it gets up on the right side of the bed that morning.

At forty-five minutes of cardio work each day, every day, there are only so many times you can watch the idiocy that is Family Feud without gnawing on the arm supports of your elliptical trainer.

Jeff points out - and rightly so - that the average human becomes approximately 6.5 times more stupid than normal when placed under stress. Nevertheless, the final portion of Family Feud is (aside from rush-hour traffic) one of the best examples of this that I have found in quite some time.

“Next question: name a part of the body on which a man might grow unwanted hair.”

Contestant #1’s response: “His … uh … chest?”
Contestant #2’s response: “His … uh … chest?”
Announcer: “Already said. Try again.”
Contestant #2: “His … uh … arms?”

Chest? Arms? Please excuse me while I am momentarily dumbfounded. How about nose? Ears? Back? You know, any of the more obvious places that people complain about?

Zero to you both, and rightly so. No prize money for your family, and no compliments to your mother. You deserve none.

(Andrew, you’d better get that reference!)

Then I looked down and realized that I was about to hit the max of my acceptable range of exercising heart rates, and if I gripped the handles of the elliptical machine any tighter, I was going to break them off and be required to take them home as trophies of my newfound upper-body musculature.

It was either that, news, soaps, or SportsCenter on other televisions. I opted for the astonishingly self-important world of SportsCenter. Given that the only sport I follow with even a modicum of interest is professional tennis (ok, and NHL hockey around Cup time), the world of SportsCenter is bewildering to me. Stats. Coaches. Players. Breathless interviews with sport-celebs whose prowess with $sport is supposed to make up for their lack of ability to answer interview questions in a cogent - or at least interesting - manner.

It was either that, or inflict a dual reality on myself: watch CNN with the audio track to Fox News, or vice versa.

I was glad when my forty-five minutes were up.

Really gotta get that mp3 player. I don’t want to get stuck with the equipment repair bill that will undoubtedly result.

• ‹ previous
• 922 of 1674
• next ›