For the love of all things holy, someone track down this man and shoot him. I mean, really, people. Think mangy dog here. Take him out to the back where the kids can't see him and shoot him. Put him out of his misery. What kind of life is this guy leading anyway?

Today's winner, and potential cause of my headache, is windsor_king on Yahoo. Do, please, everyone in Huntsville feel free to say hello, as he seems to insist that he's going to be visiting Huntsville in July.

I have my doubts.

While we're at it, let's go for two in one day! Yahoo user aces_allnight14, a strong studly specimen hailing from Birmingham, Alabama, appears to be so absolutely desperate to get laid that he's trolling for nethoneys…and found (you guessed it!) me.

Tact, honey. It's about tact. Heard of it? It's that non-negotiable part between meeting a woman and clubbing her over the head for sex. Some people refer to it as "small talk." I like to think of it as an occasionally-useful part of the pre-coital process.

Ladies and gentlemen, a warm welcome to yahoo user cchodges, who was looking for a little fun on Valentine's Day and found … me. His profile, I might add, is listed as an "adult" profile. I submit the following transcript as evidence to the contrary:

I was going to go to bed. Really. I'd just finished up a web-design session with a friend and my eyes were starting to get bleary, and another window popped up. Some usernames just don't bode well on yahoo. "love2lickyoutoo" is one of those.

Not only does this particular transcript speak for itself, I suspect it's one of the more quoteworthy transcripts I've posted in the past year. Judge for yourself.

Ok, gents, let's review! While the desperation of humanity is often palpable on the holiday this year known as Black Satur….er, Valentine's Day, just because a depth is there doesn't mean you should sink to it.