This way is as appropriate as any to make the introduction:

This page explains in truly gory detail exactly how you would make a turducken. (Photos are worksafe, but page contains words that aren't.)

Yes, I know a couple of you are vegetarians … you know who you are. Just don't even read this, ok? You'd cry. But for the rest of you carnivores, you're about to encounter instructions like these:

Notes from the couch while watching television:

"I'm not exactly sure how that diet pill works, but apparently it makes you turn around and yell 'Yes!'"


"You know, that would be kinda dangerous if that happened to me while I was on an elliptical machine."


"Good thing you don't have to exercise while taking diet pills, I guess."

* * * * *

Now. I've gotta ask you people something. Maybe you know the answer. Maybe you don't.

For the first week after I got my hair cut, back in August, I tied it back in a bandanna and tried not to acknowledge that I'd gotten it cut. It was, you see, not what I'd asked for.

I told the woman who cut my hair - specifically! - that I wanted a chin-length bob, and that she must take into account the fact that my hair was wavy. Pulling and combing my hair straight down and cutting it at chin-length in that situation meant that it would curl and fluff up well past my chin.

The phone rang.

"Jupiter, Florida?" I said to myself. It looked like a real number, not one of the pseudo-numbers that a telemarketing center might use. Still, since I wasn't sure, I decided to let the answering machine grab -

Oh, crap. We did know someone in Jupiter, Florida: Brandon, one of Jeff's Theta Tau brothers. I put down what I was doing and raced to the bedroom, hearing our old, generic message ("Please. Leave. A. Message. After. The. Tone.") play as I did so.

On the way home from the gym today:

To tell you truth I've said it before

tomorrow I start in a new direction

I know I've been half asleep

I'm never doing that again

I look straight at what's coming ahead

and soon it's gonna change in a new direction

Every night as I'm falling asleep

these words repeated in my head

Guster - 'Come Downstairs and Say Hello'