Ask Domesticat: serious callers only

Greetings, readers, and welcome to the newest little addition to domesticat.net, known as “Ask Domesticat.” You, too, can now have the pleasure of having your questions answered* in a public forum by the one and only domesticat! Our first question comes to us from a severely snowbound reader a stone’s-throw from Canada:

Where do you get your “domesticat-esque” impulses from? Or, what makes you so “domesticat-ey” (domestikitty?)

Answer:
The short version: chemical therapy. As many of you know, I spent most of my teenage years completely unable to relate to anything not placed within 0.000005 inches of my own skull. Somewhere around my seventeenth birthday, someone switched my daily drug feed from “self-absorbed teenager” to the mostly-decaffeinated “decent human being” blend.

The domestic urges are a known and well-documented side effect. Rather like the uncontrollable urge to knit. I’m told it’ll all wear off before my thirtieth birthday, just in time for my next I’m-going-to-be-[a multiple of ten] crisis.

An East Coast reader writes:

Please answer the following question in haiku:
Green is a color.
Near daily content updates.
How do you do it?

Answer:
PHP and crack
make designing so simple.
Green crack makes words good.

A noticeably-unpunctuated reader writes:
I dont know how I got here but Im here I would love to have a hank of that not red not blond hair

Answer:
I’m sorry, you must state your answer in the form of a question. But since this is the opening incarnation of Ask Domesticat, I shall be lenient with the mortals who do not yet understand the customs of our revered advice column.

My hair is for sale—if your price is high enough. Serious callers only, please. Reserve price is $300—US dollars only, not that Canuckistani funny money business. I choose the final hairstyle; winner pays shipping and handling costs. All hair is guaranteed to be free of radioactive isotopes. Will not prevent wrinkles nor sunburn. Apply to inflamed area only. Use as directed. Batteries not included.

FDA Warning: This hair has been produced in a factory that also produces cat hair. Persons allergic to cat hair should bid on this item with caution and only under a doctor’s supervision.

That’s all the column space we have today for Ask Domesticat. (In other words, I don’t have any more questions.) If you have a mind-bogglingly important question about life, etiquette, cat hair, or the state of the contiguous universe, you may post your questions in comments to this post or fire off an email to askdomesticatdomesticat [dot] net (subject: Ask%20Domesticat) . Whenever there’s nothing else worth writing about, I’ll get around to answering* questions.

* Will vary by your definition of ‘answered.’ Please note that I never said that I would answer the questions you ask in your emails. Perhaps I will answer questions that I hypothesize to be yours. Perhaps I’ll answer the questions that you were afraid to ask and didn’t. Or perhaps I’ll just answer the air and attribute the questions to you. It really depends on my mood.

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