Have you ever wondered where your holiday traditions come from? I think we should make sure our children know the REAL reason for our holidays...

In a village not so long ago (maybe the 1960s) and not very far away (somewhere around Cleveland) there was a brave adventurer who decided to buck the centuries of oppression by cruel dinosaur overlords. Lacking true tools with which to fight, he engendered a cunning way to turn the dinosaurs into fossils using only eggnog and holly branches, thus leaving the Great Pumpkin Holiday in peace and theoretically guaranteeing the sheeplike populace a full month of stress-free retail shopping between the Festival of Halloween and Jewish Guy's Birthday.

There is a 'How To Stalk' handbook. Every woman should read it and familiarize herself with the section regarding Target Quality. We, as Liberated Wimmins, have a responsibility to use our new-fangled right to be seen in public sans chaperone (or common sense) with care and dignity. Remember: think before you stalk!

I'm happy to provide this condensed version of the handbook for your reading pleasure: Read the rest »

(2003's 'You got me. I'm listening.' will provide a good deal of insight into the literal meaning of this very figurative entry. For a day or so, I'll move it back to the front page of the site, since despite the large span of time between them, these two entries dovetail.)Fans of a radio show will set the clocks of their lives by the broadcasts they care about; they will turn up the volume and lean in close to the speaker, so as not to miss any of the words.

Me, I've listened to this radio show before.

oh God oh God oh God I thought she wasn't ever coming back! Tenzing kept saying she wasn't ever coming back and I kept telling him that she would, but the sun kept coming up and she wasn't ever there to feed us in the morning and I was starting to worry that maybe Tenzing was right.He's the smarter kittybrother, after all.

Barbie Dolls Inc. announces the release of models of limited edition Barbie dolls for the Central Arkansas area:

Heights Barbie

This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with your choice of Lexus SUV or Ford Wind star minivan. She gets lost easily west of Reservoir Road and has no full time occupation. Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately. Available with or without tummy tuck and face-lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with "augmented" version. Optional matching tennis outfit.

I can almost hear the voice, tactile and smooth in my imagination, curling and settling softly in my ears like the finest, cleanest lines of Miles Davis.

"This is the all-night request line, for those of you awake enough to know we're closer to daylight than midnight. Got a request? A dedication? Something on your mind?" A pause. If there was such a radio show, playing at an hour like this, on a night like this, I could imagine a speech like that hanging on a pause and finishing with "Give us a call. We'll see what we can do." The hiss of dead air would be followed by the the shuffling of notes and fingers, followed by shunting the current phone call to the live audio feed.

After all, a show like this one wouldn't exactly need a tape delay.

* * * * *

"A good night to you, caller. You got me. I'm listening. Talk to me. Tell us who you are."

"I'm Amy, from Huntsville. I've been trying to call in for ages, and just couldn't ever get through."

Welcome to Huntsville, your location for prime, newsworthy weather activity! In order to get the most out of your time in Huntsville, you should consider making or purchasing what we in the unofficial tourism board call an Experience Huntsville! kit.

Experience Huntsville! kits have been available for some time at local retailers, but due to popular demand, are probably currently sold out†. Chances are good, though, that you - the average Huntsville visitor - probably have most of the individual components of an Experience Huntsville! kit already in your garage or attic:

When I emerged after a rather exasperating day, I found this text file on my computer. It seems appropriate to share it with all of you, since it seems you've been privy to today's events as they happened:

World,

It was a wonderful day, wasn't it? Our toes are dirty and our fur is still warm from the sunlight. But we're hungry, and it's dark, and we both very very desperately want cuddles. My oh-so-silly-brother Tenzing is frantic, half-dazed, desperately rubbing up against the couch and love seat in an attempt to simulate scritchies. I want my ears rubbed, and I think the litterbox needs a touch of tending.

I just hope they speak to us after we unlock the closets we stuffed them in. Better yet, no speaking - just bites of Crunchy Cat Food, perhaps a play or two with the Toy-On-A-Stick. We'll sniff the male one's dinner and then, after he goes to bed, we'll pile up on the bed and help the mommycat with her Spanish-language studies.

Tenzing is growing hungry, and is very unlikable right now. He has begun to pace and yowl. I think he needs attention. I tried grooming him, but he bit me on the ass. I guess that means he doesn't want to be groomed.I think he's missing the Crunchy Food we usually get every day. He went outside to hunt. Either he is dumber than I originally thought, or the mice are much smarter. The toy-on-a-stick always plays along when we want to hunt; why don't the mice? I'm very confused.

Hunting vastly overrated. Silly mouse didn't stand still and let me stalk it. Mouse does not appear to understand rules of the game: