fear

The TV anchors were mourning the loss of Ronald Reagan, and I was sitting in a random Tex-Mex restaurant in metro Atlanta, wondering if I, too, had lost my bloody mind. My brain was having trouble processing everything going on at once: Brian telling stories, chipper music from the radio station, Maggie Thatcher eulogizing Reagan, the utter tastiness of the quesadilla I was eating.

I could bow out of this at any time, of course. I had the number. I could call, fake a plausible excuse, and find some sunny green spot in a park somewhere in metro Atlanta and call it a day—and very few people would be the wiser. But see, I know myself better than some of my friends give me credit for, and I’d taken two steps that would virtually guarantee that I’d go through with my plan:

When I awoke from my nap the clock said 10:12; the room, dark. Almost automatically, my awareness drifted down to my legs and found him: there, snuggled close. Not interested in being cuddled or petted, but in nearness, in gathering warmth. I swirled fingertips down his back, and his muscles quivered and rippled in response, his spots and orange splotches shivering with the touch and then settling back down to their normal spaces.

I can almost hear the voice, tactile and smooth in my imagination, curling and settling softly in my ears like the finest, cleanest lines of Miles Davis.

“This is the all-night request line, for those of you awake enough to know we’re closer to daylight than midnight. Got a request? A dedication? Something on your mind?” A pause. If there was such a radio show, playing at an hour like this, on a night like this, I could imagine a speech like that hanging on a pause and finishing with “Give us a call. We’ll see what we can do.” The hiss of dead air would be followed by the the shuffling of notes and fingers, followed by shunting the current phone call to the live audio feed.

After all, a show like this one wouldn’t exactly need a tape delay.

* * * * *

“A good night to you, caller. You got me. I’m listening. Talk to me. Tell us who you are.”

“I’m Amy, from Huntsville. I’ve been trying to call in for ages, and just couldn’t ever get through.”