Darwinian Domesticat #2: Movie theatre-goers
If you've ever had any doubts about the varied and magnificent species that is Homo sapiens, might I suggest you head to your nearest movie theater? There, even the most casual of viewer can meet many of our species' most colorful and interesting specimens…
…and want to kill them all.Some anthropological notes from our previous expeditions follow. Some of these breeds are flighty, rarely seen, and must be observed with the greatest of care.
Captain and Mrs. Obvious
Always a twosome. Sometimes a married couple, sometimes two female friends. Two parts are necessary: The Idiot, and The Narrator. The Idiot is silent (and quite possibly blindfolded) for the course of the film, but The Narrator more than makes up for it. You've heard her; she's the one that narrates every insignificant portion of the film to the person she's sitting with—as if they're incapable of seeing anything without being told. "[Joe|Sheila]! He's taking the handkerchief out of the glass, and he's stuffing it in his mouth! Oh, look! He's going to eat it! Hey, there's his girlfriend again. She's picking up the phone…"
The Cloaked Ones
These are the pairs of people who believe that the darkness prevents you from hearing their whispering. Distinguished from Captain and Mrs. Obvious by conversational content: said whispering generally has no bearing on the events of the film. These are the ones that make their eyes glow in the dark with anger when you turn around and politely suggest they shut up.
The Vitus Dancers
A known—but irritating—consequence of high testosterone levels in the late teens and early 20s is a pathological inability to sit still. This condition manifests in the need to prop one's (large and sometimes fragrant) sneakers on the armrests of the seats of the next row. Once propped, the thigh and calf muscles begin to twitch randomly, shaking the entire row of seats. Condition has a way of temporarily vanishing when commented upon, only to recur several minutes later.
The Tom Servo-ites
A combination of two dangerous beliefs, namely:
- One's ideas are completely original, highly funny, and/or enlightening
- The rest of the movie theater should be made aware of these thoughts the moment they are formulated.
Rarely seen in humans. Most humans with this disorder are ritually sacrificed during infancy. Occasionally one survives to adulthood and gains their own TV show.
The Virgin Viewers
Most people, when presented with their first cinematic view of a naked person, have the sense to stare openly like the rest of us hormone-crazed weasels. There are a few, though, who simply can't see cinematic nakedness (or, heaven forfend, a sexual situation) without hooting, cheering, hollering, or singing a "bowmp-chicka-bowmp" or two.
The I'm-Not-Supposed-To-Be-Here Child
Possibly the worst of them all: the toddler whose parents couldn't find a sitter for them, and therefore brought along with them to the R-rated movie they wanted to see. In frightening movies, they are easily located by shrieking noises. In romantic movies, easily echolocated by listening for "Mommmmmmy, where's their clothes? Mommy, what are they doing?" Known for yelling "Mommy, I sleepy, we go home now?" or "I hungwy, Mommy!" during climactic moments.
The Follow-Through Queen
Generally found in tandem with The I'm-Not-Supposed-To-Be-Here Child. Generally one seat over from The I'm-Not-Supposed-To-Be-Here Child. Can be heard to repeatedly whisper, "If you don't shut up RIGHT NOW, we're going to leave the theater." Lack of actual leaving skills aids location.
The viewers—generally young, male, and costumed like characters in the movie you're watching—who have found the fundage to see their favorite movie fifteen times in the theatre, but due to mumblings about curfews, appear to be unable to scrape up enough money to move out of their parents' house. Generally easily identified by light sabers or Klingon makeup, but beware! Some Fanboys dress normally, and can only be identified by their code phrase, "Snootchy bootchies!"
The Bunny Nymphets From Outer Space
So desperate for sex that they will pay exorbitant amounts of money to taste their pleasure while in uncomfortable seats, these Bunny Nymphets generally seek semi-secluded seats in the back row. Noted for squeaking noises that occasionally morph into the sound of chairs breaking. While generally reclusive, some exhibitionist types are noted for shunning the usual Bunny chairs and selecting seats in the front row.
The Bunny Nymphets From Next Door
Unable to find partners to couple with due to their jailbait status, these girls show up wearing the least amount of clothing required by zoning ordinances and decency laws, and proceed to emit high-pitched mating cries (read: giggles) throughout the film. Once considered difficult to track, they are a better-understood species now that we know that their periodic disappearing act results in their appearance (and extended stay) in the nearest women's bathroom. Known for wearing makeup that only lasts for approximately three minutes, they exhibit their distant relation to the Cloaked Ones by their repeated whisperings, "What happened while I was in the bathroom?"
The Chemically Influenced
Generally difficult to discern from Fanboys or Virgin Viewers. Similar behavior, but often with better taste in clothing than the Fanboys.
Not known for speed or stealth, these are the ones who wait to slowly rip open their cellophane-wrapped packages of snacks until after the thirty minutes of previews are over. For added effect, they often announce their intentions to eat by noisily crumpling their cellophane into a ball, stepping on it, and then slurping their drink loudly. Only then is the film actually allowed to commence. Noted for consuming multiple metric tons of food during an eighty-minute feature.
The Pretentious Bastards
Unable to sit through a movie for the sheer enjoyment value of it, they feel the need to make pretentious and irrelevant remarks about the unusually-varied ancestry of the cinematographer, or to ponder the nature of the special effects and current lens usage. Easily identifiable through overuse of the word "cinematic." Rarely found in films lacking subtitles.
Wait a second. What was that about 'flighty, rarely seen, and must be observed with the greatest of care'? Bollocks. If things get much worse, movie tickets will have to be issued with a mandatory ball gag.
I just can't imagine the fun it would be to see something like Spider-Man in a theater where the ushers were equipped with tasers…