Seven Words, day 2: House Rules

(What is the game of ‘seven words’? See this entry for explanations, or to contribute potential words.)

Greetings, new Cat slave!

We of Felis Catus are pleased to recognize your conscription voluntary admittance into the servant class wonders of living with a Cat. As We are generally kind and benevolent Masters beings, We are providing instruction for you (hereinafter known as “slave”) on how best to make Our lives as they should be - comfortable, relaxed, and pampered.

First, let Us reassure you, slave: your decision to give your home to a Cat was the best decision your strangely-oversized brain could have made. As you are undoubtedly aware, Our superior presence is calming to the human spirit; Our purring is known to positively affect many of the things humans are obsessed about, such as brain waves and stress levels.

You may find that your house needs have changed since their pre-Feline days. In order to make your transition into a life of service smoother for the Cat, We demand recommend the following immediately:

1. Waste removal is the duty of the slave. We do not like smelling Our waste. Remove it from Our household in any way that you see fit.
2. In understanding of your limited vocal capacity, We waive the right to answer only to our Feline name, and will grudgingly consent to answer to your pedantic, overly-visual nicknames.
3. Catnip stations are to be placed at regular intervals throughout the household, and replenished regularly. A no-photograph zone is to be established within a six-foot radius of each station, so as to preserve Our dignity.
4. Clean laundry (otherwise known as “bedding”) to be left within sleeping range of the Cat at all times.
5. Non-disgusting water available at all times (We recommend filtered)
6. Removal of unclean lower life forms (dogs, ferrets, rodents of unusual size) from the premises.
7. Smaller rodents and other amusingly tiny and squeaky life forms given free reign of household — with full redundancy! Should the smaller rodents or squeaky chasable life forms not please or be eaten by the Cat, satisfactory replacements must be immediately available for activation.
8. Generous quantities of sunbeams stationed around the house, preferably on time-delay so that the Cat may have an optimal napping experience whenever napping is necessary
9. Hairballs are gifts. Greet them with the praise and adulation that is their due.
10. Sustenance shall be nutritionally sound, pleasant to the Feline palate and provided the moment We demand it on a regular basis
11. Human food may be determined to qualify under ‘sustenance.’ Request preference specifications from the Cat, but be aware that preferences are subject to change without prior notice.
12. Slaves are not to touch the Cat without permission, unless prior approval has been negotiated. Permission may be granted via the administration of tail-swishing, Feline vocalization (e.g. purring or meowed demands for attention), marking the slave’s legs, or by jumping into the slave’s lap. Permission may be revoked at any time without warning.
13. Tails are sacred and shall not be pulled, yanked, twisted, mauled, or chewed by infant slaves.

Those simple rules will make the transition to your slave household much easier for your Cat. Think of the Cat as the royal guest that s/he is. Put the Cat’s care, comfort, and well-being before your own (groveling doesn’t hurt either) and your days of servitude will be numerous, comfortable, and filled with rewarding purring.

Again, we realize that you have many choices in your life of servitude, and are grateful that you have chosen to serve the Cat.

Ours very truly,

[cat’s name]

Today’s word was didactic (intended to instruct, morally instructive, or inclined to teach or moralize excessively), suggested by Jody [the great Evil Oompa] and chosen by Geof Morris. Check in tomorrow for tomorrow’s verbal exercise.

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