Sexual healing? Not on THIS planet.

Remember, friends: those who have nothing better to do than to hit on random women online should be treated like telemarketers. If you've got more pressing issues to attend to, by all means amputate their noxious presence as quickly as possible.


Not busy? Bored? Claws needing a touch of sharpen? Best thing you can do for your fellow mortals is to toy with your New Special Friend a bit. Every minute you tie them up in conversation is a minute a) they have to actually interact with another human being and b) they don't get to spend hitting up some other poor sap who probably doesn't have half your backbone.

Think of it as doing something good for the species.

This conversation is a bit different - and longer - than the usual. True, it's fun to mess around with those who are singleminded in their pursuit of cybernookie, but there's an additional bit of zing involved when you know you're fencing with an opponent who, despite the inherent stupidity of their actions, is capable of putting up at least a ghost of a fight.

As always, names and profiles are unchanged due to a complete lack of respect for the guilty. A tip from a birdie indicates that this guy may have deleted this screen name within a few minutes of my telling him of his upcoming "spotlight." (Judging by his sudden and complete lapse of spelling, I don't think my little announcement left him nearly as hot, wet, and cheery as it did me.) Perhaps one of the more bored readers might be intrigued enough to try messaging the account to see.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my dinner is waiting on me...

Session Start (Yahoo! - quallsac:mercutio353): Tue Jun 10 16:43:14 2003
mercutio353: hello
*** Auto-response sent to mercutio353: Somewhere else.
mercutio353: hello
me: You were speaking to the autoresponder bot.
mercutio353: hello?
me: Yes, you've now said that three times already.
mercutio353: well excuse me you havent returned it one time so ..
me: I was away, and was marked as such.
mercutio353: dont guess you play around online do ya
me: "play around"?
mercutio353: sexually
mercutio353: no huh
me: So basically you hit (men? women? both?) up online to see if someone wants to - as you put it - 'play'?
mercutio353: "basically"
me: do people actually go for this?
mercutio353: the ones that dont take hours do
me: So, let me get this straight - basically yahoo functions like a massive "fuck me now" service? You toss a message out into the void and you get laid?
mercutio353: depends on the bait what you catch
me: Well, of course. No two IM conversations are alike. What's typical bait?
mercutio353: basically just drum up conversation she starts to talk about her man dont do this or that and then allows me to fill her mind with all the wonderful things shes missing
mercutio353: like you for instance any little quirk you've got your man aint hitting just right
me: Better to play the supplementary cock instead of relationship boy?
mercutio353: yes well in a matter of ways i stand by as a virtual erotica where she doesnt have to read and search out other fantasies that are similar she can form her own erotic tale right there in real time experiencing it as it unfolds so the orgasm is heightened and the experience more fulfilling
me: In other words, a more fulfilling textual experience?
mercutio353: yes in a matter of speaking
me: So you don't actually have sex with them.
mercutio353: correct
mercutio353: there by leaving them with the feeling of full loyalty to their husband because i rarely make a habit of cybering wtih the same woman twice lest the bond forma perminant hold that she is unwilling to leave
me: Another night, another random screen name?
mercutio353: no i stick to the same screen name
me: So why is this so appealing to you?
mercutio353: it allows me the chance to get inside the average womans head and find out things that are useful to me in my everyday conversations and sex life
me: and what, pray tell, is inside the average woman's head?
mercutio353: i dont know
mercutio353: i have found you cant get and average when you are adding apples oranges and grapes together no two women have been close enough to actually form a thesis on what lies inside the womans mind
me: and men are simpler?
mercutio353: and most guys have cheaper come on lines than you would imagine
me: Well, yes. But here's what I really don't understand...
mercutio353: ?
me: Does it not bother you that what you are doing, while undoubtedly not adultery in the legal sense, is adultery in the moral sense?
mercutio353: well isnt looking at a magazine or a porn movie adultery in a moral sense
mercutio353: so what is the big deal of whether im watching a movie to get off alone or cybering with a girl to help both achieve orgasm
mercutio353: the great moral dilemma is one form of pornography worse than another
me: Because if she's married, and you said that you target married women, your chosen targets for intimacy have pledged to share that intimacy only with another person
me: meaning, not you.
mercutio353: and in some cases yes they are
mercutio353: my "targets are not soley married women but all women that are online and of legal age to carry on this conversation
mercutio353: for u see what if when she is done online carries what she has "learned" into her bedroom for a more fulfilling sexual experience for both her and her partner
me: Ahhh. So, if you weren't satisfying your girlfriend, and she sought such interaction online, that would be okay with you?
mercutio353: so not only is this a simulated pornography it is on some levels sexual therapy that she seeks yet cant get him to agree to doing
mercutio353: yes
mercutio353: i have offered her the same chances with any man she feels attracted to online or where she works
mercutio353: because i know ther myabe somethings i cant do for her
mercutio353: that is basically what i have learned on line
mercutio353: that no one man can truelly fulfill a womans every pleasure
mercutio353: while a man is simple
mercutio353: he wants control of the womans body
mercutio353: or the lack of control either way once the controling party has established said control the true pleasure of a man is done the rest is basically revesre for play
mercutio353: fore
mercutio353: so am i close to your relationship with any of this
me: Not even remotely.
mercutio353: ok then what have i missed
mercutio353: or is this defense mode
me: Nope. You didn't do your homework before messaging me, so therefore you were fair game.
mercutio353: homework?
me: Yep. Did you even *read* my profile on yahoo before messaging me?
mercutio353: yes and glanced over your site
me: Should've checked the cool links just a *little* harder. Like, at all.
me: It would have saved you a *lot* of time.
mercutio353: o well neither thirty something doesnt apply nor "trolling for extramairtal nookie" in the form and phrase you have it in
mercutio353: you have given me the impression of a person in control of her self and her relaxed "hey just glad to be here" attitude that is common among thos happily married chums who never seem to just tell you to go away but more or less want all your info then at the last minute upon realizing that the person on the other end is a little more well read thatn you thought ecide to blow off converstaion than proceed nto own self doubt and self loathing so good noght tip you waitress at the door and dont forget ill be here all week
me: Be sure to check in about thirty minutes. You'll be the topic of discussion tomorrow. Thanks for playing!


LOL...IM'mers say the stupidest things sometimes. Then, because you have caught them at their own game and bested them, such as the case here, they adopt an even more arrogant (if possible!) attitude -- 'how dare you not recognize me as a god sent here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy (while he wanks off).' Sheeeeezz. Sexual healing? Not in this lifetime or this universe!

TOO funny. Thanks for sharing!

"...the person on the other end is a little more well read thatn you thought..." I SERIOUSLY doubt that. I have a really hard time believing that some dweeb trolling for netsex is better read than my wife (especially since _I_ can't even claim that distinction).

Oy. I think one of my pet peves are people who think they've beaten everything and that they're all knowing and have reached enlightenment.... and it's like ummm.... no not really, at least not from where I'm standing, mostly becasue you can't argue with it, except to say "you're a fuckwad" and while that might be the case it's not very inspiring

Does this man's "enlightenment" come with typing lessons?

Hmmmm ... "Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing ... and Picking Up Net.chicks."

So... when does a guy who can "get off alone" while talking with a woman online classify as "sexual healing"? People can be more moronic than I thought. Perhaps next time you can pretend to be Sarah & talk about gay sex - that could prove to be amusing ;)

The "sexual therapy" part was where I started laughing so hard I could barely continue the conversation. You're right, Danielle - I probably should hang a little sign next to my computer that says "What Would Sarah Say?" and see where that gets me in conversation. Love the Sarah. Love love the Sarah. :D

"Self doubt and self loathing"? *dies laughing* Project much, dude?

You have to love those guys who see net trawling as a enlighting experience for all. It wouldn't be so bad if they just admitted that all they're after is a cheap thrill and then go buy themselves another box of tissues!

*dies laughing* That's the funniest thing I've read in days. :)