Murphy's Law

I've known, and I haven't told you.

Not because I don't want to, but maybe because I haven't known how. Maybe because saying it makes it true, makes it real, turns it from something I've just read and kept to myself into something that is actually happening.

I've known for the past day or so that my father needed to go to the hospital for a biopsy. Where it was to be performed, my mother didn't say. Not knowing where, exactly, the biopsy was needed, bothered me.

I just got another email from my mother. Dad's going to have a PET scan, and then they're going to do biopsies on his lungs, his liver, and his pancreas. Russell—Mom's cousin, and Mom and Dad's GP—has told Mom that he thinks it is some kind of inflammation, although he does not know what.

Cancer is also a possibility.

I hate even saying it. The only thing uglier than the word is the condition itself.

As Mom said, if that's what it is, we'll talk about it when the time comes.

Right now I'm not ready to talk about it. I want to go to bed and pull the down comforter over my head and snuggle up against a sleeping Jeff and a purring Edmund-kitty and pretend that everything is ok. I don't want to close my eyes, because I have a longstanding habit of having dreams that do nothing but rehash my day.

So maybe I'll just use this silly, ego-centric little entry of mine to ask each of you something. Tell me about something in your life that inspires love. Gratitude. Joy. Or, perhaps, just a reason to get up in the morning.

all tags: 
cancer diary

Comments

On , Amy said...
A good reason to get up is to see the way the trees whistle with the wind and open their branches to the sun every morning. :) And bedsores suck.

On , kat said...
I get up every morning because every day to me is a new beginning. The slate gets wiped clean and you get a fresh start.

On , ktsark said...
I get up in the morning since my puppy and my husband depend on me. I *know* what you are going through -- but hang in there!

On , gfmorris said...
I get up in the morning, because I know that not geting up lets Death start to win. I'm not real keen on letting Death win. I get up every morning, because if I don't, my friends will worry about me, come over and beat on my door, and see what the hell is wrong with me. I get up in the morning, because the alternative is being defeated. I will not be defeated. I get up in the morning, because I have loving friends who will stand by me, hold me when I need it, holler at me when I need it, listen to me ramble when I need to ramble, and love me even when I'm being a fool. As I feel that way about my friends, I hope that you, my friend, feel the same way. If I need to drive out to the sticks tonight, let me know.

On , witchy said...
I get up in the morning, because I have people/kids/animals that depend on me. My mother was rushed to the hospital this fall, she couldn't breath, she had ascities (?spell?), they talked liver cancer :( Now, 4 mths later, She's doing Great! had a tumor (not cancerous) 30 POUNDS! (No Lie!) No wonder she couldn't lose weight or breath! She's recovering Great, and I can already tell a big difference in her attitude. I get up every morning, because I'm grateful that my mother is still here. the Best to you.

On , Erica said...
My dad got sick several years ago. It started with a sore on his foot that wouldn't heal. He's had diabetes since I was about 10, and bad circulation (and thus hand and foot problems) are common. Also common is heart disease and eye problems. He's had a triple bypass and now an experimental pacemaker put in, and is now awaiting surgery on his eyes. Each day I see him he is still courageous and strong about it. He still looks forward to when he willl be well and able to go back to work. He still encourages me and talks to me as tho I'm a princess. Him and my mom are the bravest strongest people I know. I get up every morning because I want to be a strong as them even in the face of anguish. I get up because they love me, and my fiance loves me, and my friends and pets depend on me.

On , ruminator said...
i'm not certain exactly what i can add here, but i'll take a stab at it. my wife inspires me. no matter how bad things have been with my older son, she never gives up. she has perserverence. my father inpires me. he dealt with my mom's bipolar for over thirty years and never left us. my young son inspires me. when we're in the midst of dealing with something difficult, he hears the angst in our voices and comes with hugs. my friend inspires me. she has the ability to see through words into hearts. when the rest of us are oblivious, she see's what a person needs and delivers it. my Father inspires me. he saw all of us as flawed, willful children and still loves us, enough to send His Son to redeem us. i'm here for you.

On , AndreaP said...
Gratitude: My husband. Not just for being my husband, but for being a hero. He puts his life on the line so that others may be free. My parents. For always being there no matter what. The reason I get out of bed in the morning? Me. I get out of bed so that I can meet the challenges of each day head on. I don't know what each day will bring, but I know that if I can make it out of bed, I can make it through the day. You and your family are in my thoughts.

On , Noah said...
My family and my husband-to-be. Thomas and my animals. Vanilla ice cream with strawberry topping. The way Patches' nails sound like crinkling paper as she walks on the linoleum. All the ways Geof has made me laugh and you've made me smile that you'll never know about. The knowledge that I have not yet found or eaten the perfect french fries. Or taken the one photograph which completely contains me and leaves nothing out. Or read or wrote the words which make everything fall into place. Or done the one thing that will leave me feeling like there's nothing left to do. Knowing that I never will do any of those things, and knowing that that's the whole point.

On , Jen said...
Life inspires me. Love inspires me. A new day should be cherished, always. The birds chirping at the crack of dawn, the sun burning through the morning fog, the smell of the cool, damp morning air, and my purring kitty telling me its time for her to eat. All those things and more inspire me everyday to get out of bed... While my father doesn't have *that*, what he does have is slowly taking him away. I cherish every moment with my parents..no matter how much they drive me crazy! You and yours are in my prayers...

On , Lizzie said...
I was just browsing the net, and going from link to link to link, I somehow ended up on your site. I'm so sorry to hear about you dad. How did you deal with it? My father was diagnosed with Kidney Cancer a few years ago, and now he is going in for another surgery this Friday. I'm SO scared!

On , domesticat said...
Lizzie - If I learned anything from my father's illness, it was that when a person is diagnosed with cancer, the entire family 'gets' it. It's not a disease that's battled alone. The best thing to do in the face of a disease like this is to get informed. Find out what stage of cancer your father has. Where did it start? Exactly what kind is it? What do they plan to treat with? (Radiation? Chemo? Surgery? A combination of these?) Learn the side effects and the benefits so that you'll know what to expect. Also, find out about the average prognosis for kidney cancer, because not all cancers are the same. A brief bit of checking tells me that the survival rates for kidney cancer are much, much higher than for pancreatic cancer, which my father had. Talk to your friends. Tell them what's going on. If the situation becomes so serious that your father needs round-the-clock monitoring, one of the most crucial things you can do is to have a place to go to take a break, even if it's just for a few hours. For me, it came down to that. The two friends that provided me places to take breaks and just get out of the hospital for a while helped keep me from cracking. As for how I dealt...that's a difficult question to answer, because my father did die, but we knew he would very early on. If you want to read the entire story from beginning to end (the Murphy's Law entries are just the first few) then I'd suggest reading the entries in the cancer diary. They aren't pretty - or light - reading, and unless you count learning to move on as something of a happy ending, there is no happy ending to my story. But it is NOT the only possible ending to a cancer diary. Consider keeping a log or a journal (not necessarily online) of what happens. It will give you an outlet. You'll need it. I wish you and your family the best. Take care of yourself as best you can, and be there for your family. Your friends will help take care of you. Mine did.