I'm talking about idiocy, of course. Bloody pandemic, really.

So let me get this straight, for anyone who's reading the stupid IM transcripts archives: I don't troll for transcripts. I've never had to. It's like I have a giant Moron Beacon strapped to my ass. I leave Trillian turned on, mark mysefl as away when I'm not here (and sometimes when I am) and these guys—they're invariably men—manage to find me.

In some ways I'm a little saddened; I seem to have exhausted the few good net.trolls in Huntsville. According to the archives I've not been bothered to the point of posting an IM transcript in over a year. It leads me to suspect that most of the trollers in Huntsville have learned my name and moved on; therefore, now, it's left up to the wider-ranging net.nookie.trolls to stumble upon me.

Wait. What am I thinking? No, I'm not saddened.

So, let's splash this one up for a little bit of google-flavored posterity. It's worth noting that the first line was left for me at 11:41 a.m. local time, and that when I replied at 5:52 p.m. local time, this person was still online.

readyfornew2:	I just read thru your profile and archives…..just want to say that you would do alot better with some professional help. If you want to dog all these men, well why dont you just get the fuck off off yahoo and tend to your shallow life. OMG you are a $29 oil painting in the making *** Auto-response sent to readyfornew2: Ever heard of a lipstick librarian? Yep, that's me. Back when my day is done.
Amy:	$29? I've clearly moved up in the world. Someone should have told me.
readyfornew2:	just your imagination playing tricks on you again
Amy:	Oh, I see. Well, the last set of pricing stickers did say $5.99.
readyfornew2:	would love to banter with you, but you just aren't quite worth me wasting anymore of my time on you
Amy:	That's okay; this is plenty enough for a transcript.

Then sign off and shut up already? Oh, wait, no, then you don't get your jollies any more. Happy to oblige…

*cries* O NOES … I've been called a carpet muncher by someone who can't make friends with his own apostrophe. Can I shrivel up and die now? Because damnit, he's got me pegged to rights and I just can't go on with life any more. I admit it … I'm a thirty-year-old librarian with little wire-rimmed glasses and two cats and I'm a … I'm a ….

Wait. *looks in living room*

*recognizes male spouse of eight years*

It's all coming back to me now! Men! MEN! Glorious, testosterone-laden men! And my skirts are short!

Oh, wait. Just the smart men. I forgot. I have this lifelong policy of refusing to sleep with anyone I can out-think.

Right. Wasn't I posting a transcript? Please, grace me with more wisdom.

(Awww, whatcha wanna bet if I say something else, he responds again? Seriously, don't take this bet.)

See, here's where he messes up. Gonna be an adult? Wanna play with the big kids? Then grow up: either learn to use the really big and nasty words that come with adulthood or take your security blankie and go back to the kiddie department. I'll spare you the linguistic dissection of the word 'cunt,' but if you think you want to call someone that, stand up and puff your chest out and yell it really big and loud and mean it when you say it. If you're gonna swear at someone, grip your balls with one hand and your courage with the other and say what you've gotta say full-out and mean it when you do. Don't whisper it out in single-letter puffs like you're a six-year-old using grownup words for the first time, because all I'm gonna do is laugh at you.

Is this where I get to rant yet again about how people don't use the word 'syphilitic' nearly enough when they swear?

All right, let's let our newfound friend close this conversation out.

I'm blocked? You mean I don't have to talk to you any more?

Promise?

I still hope the $29 oil painting was of naked chicks, though.

Let's see if I can clarify something for you numbnuts who have missed the past twenty years: have unprotected sex with strangers and your Auntie Amy will plop your skanky-ass genitalia (not to mention the rest of your biohazardous bag of bones) in a time-out that will make the last ice age look like a quick little blink in God's eye. I'd ask if you were a moron, user joitred from yahoo…

STOP. Do not click on this link unless you are NOT at work and NOT somewhere in which a photo of a ho-hum naked guy wll get you in trouble, because that's what
joitred's profile is gonna get you. Congratulations, sir, you have a penis, and with that, you are just like 99.998% of most men in this world. (Offer void in certain Thai and Brazilian cities.)

…but I know the answer. You're a guy trolling the 'net for sex on a weeknight, hitting up random people on yahoo without even checking to see if they're available or even interested. People like you are the reason I don't think of geekboys as losers; they sit in front of a computer and do something interesting or occasionally even intellectual. You're just trolling for a marginally available twat.

Geekboys can at least hold a conversation.

So, as far as I can tell, the process is this: hook up with someone who exhibits at least a rudimentary concept of the English language (though I'm guessing if the answer to "Wanna fuck?" is anything more than "¿Que?", it will be construed as acceptable). Meet her someplace reasonably semi-private (read: anything short of the 50-yard line at the Super Bowl) and crack her open to see if there's anything openly pustulent.

Nothing oozing? Bang away, baby!

'Cause I hate to break it to you …

… wait, no I don't, because that would imply that I care …

… but there are few things that are more of a turn-off in bed than claiming to fuck like a porn star. Why, yes, I want to lie on an uncomfortable piece of furniture in a funny contorted position in clearly-painful high heels making fake moaning noises while some guy does a truly boring and repetitious bump-bump-bump on my nether bits for three hours.

I find this prospect so potentially exciting that I think I'm going to take myself out into the backyard and shoot myself. Out of pity. Once I'm done with the bullet, I'll pull it out of my brain and beat you to death with it.

Wouldn't want to waste it, you know.

* * * * *

Ladies, remember the pact we've sworn: never tell them about vibrators. They're not ready for the knowledge. These guys would be devastated to learn that they've never been the only game in town.

(Not to mention that if this conversation is any judge, the vibrators have got better game.)

Tonight's winner is compiled over three days of conversations. I ignored him the first two times but the third time, I just couldn't resist testing the waters to see if this was a bot. I think it was. Or a 2 Live Crew song gone horribly, horribly wrong.

Read on:

[01:58] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: this is your picture
[01:58] dr_khaled_elswaf2005:
[01:58] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: iam single here
[01:58] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: i love you
[01:58] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: are you married
[01:58] dr_khaled_elswaf2005:
[01:59] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: very beautiful
[01:59] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: i sleep with you when ?
[01:59] dr_khaled_elswaf2005:
[01:59] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: i burn you very good
[02:00] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: i give you love very much
[02:00] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: when i meet you here
[02:00] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: i sweet
[02:01] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: evry girls love me
[02:01] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: i fun them very good
[02:01] dr_khaled_elswaf2005:
[02:01] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: allow me
[02:01] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: i love you
[02:01] dr_khaled_elswaf2005:

[07:26] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: hello

[23:11] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: one penis
[23:11] dr_khaled_elswaf2005:
[23:11] me: Am I supposed to care?
[23:11] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: i give you
[23:11] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: ok
[23:11] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: i taKE YOU CARE
[23:12] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: YOU FUN MR
[23:12] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: I LOVE YOUR VULVA
[23:12] me: Well, that's good to know, but I don't think she's on speaking terms with YOU.
[23:13] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: my PENOS very beautiful
[23:14] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: WHAT IS TIRMS YOU?
[23:14] me: So far, I am impressed by your non-fluency with English, despite your valiant attempts to hit on me using it.
[23:15] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: I LOVE YOUR VULVA
[23:15] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: it os beautiful
[23:15] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: my penis very big
[23:15] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: it os funny
[23:17] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: I SLEEP WITH YOU day no sleep in vulva
[23:17] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: i fun you
[23:17] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: when i go to you?
[23:17] dr_khaled_elswaf2005:
[23:18] dr_khaled_elswaf2005: with me care for you frist
[23:18] dr_khaled_elswaf2005:

I realize I'm sitting here, half-woozy because my sleep meds are kicking in, wanting to actually carry on a coherent conversation with Jake, who actually happens to be awake and online, but I keep staring stupidly at this pseudo-English and shaking my head.

Perhaps we could do a dramatic reading of this at the birthdaybash. (I'm not sure there's enough alcohol in the world to blot out such a memory, though. Such things must be approached with caution.)

Two more days and the photo work for dragon*con 2005 is over. Finito. I want to say "all my work for dragon*con 2005 is over" but I know that's facetious. I just want some down time. 1300+ photos. Ow.

I'm referring to one of my least favorite online pests - the yahoo user cchodges. (Technically it's an 'adult' profile, but I have yet to see evidence of anything but juvenilia.) Don't remember him? This is the guy that gave us the underground classic entry, 'Gimme "connical" form, baby!'

I've actually not posted every time this guy has tried to ping me. I've got Trillian set to auto-log all chats (and suddenly several friends start squirming quietly) and I figured I'd get around to making one big fat post about this guy on a day that I was just cranky enough to pull out all the little tidbits and force 'em to undergo markup all at once.

So, let's dive right into the nauseating drivel, shall we? C'mon, it's not like you're actually getting any work done right now, anyway. Stop pretending for a minute and have some coffee while you ponder this well-nigh irrefutable proof that your life is not the crappiest on the planet…

Feb. 21, 2005

The impressive pseudo-intellectual lecture that resulted in the entry 'Gimme "connical" form, baby!' (by far the best of the bunch)

So when this popped up, I was just dumbfounded. Not only was he dumb enough to try this sort of thing, but he tried it on lots of people and didn't even bother to keep track of which hoped-for bimbos he'd already hit upon. Incredulity was the order of the day on my part:

7 March 2005

But no … he wasn't done. In May he returned with a new line. If there was a word for "dumbfounded" that also conveyed "appalled at your general ineptitude, stupidity, and general air of moronity," I'd have used it here:

3 May 2005

(Yeah, if I had a stick, I'd beat him with it … and if HE had one, I'd entertain the idea of cutting it off. Call it a public service. Those of us with hair and tits and eyes have to stick together, you know. Until I get official notice of a Prince Charming, I'm assuming I'm responsible for saving myself.)

4 May 2005

That, gentle readers, brings us to today. I was cranky. I was trying to make buggy code work. It wasn't playing along. This princess had had enough:

5 July 2005

He'll probably contact me again next week. Moronity never sleeps, and dinner must be made, so off I go.

I have my doubts.

In the interest of completeness, let me disclose that this is not the first time this guy has contacted me. There have been several brief instances of 'hi' from him previously, all imploring for me to be his friend because he was coming to town. As you can see by a couple of the initial exchanges I'm including here, we've rarely been online at the same time.

So we've got some ground rules set. What I've said here is the simplified version of the truth: I'll meet up with someone I've encountered online after I've gotten to know them well enough to consider them a real-life friend as well. It's highly unlikely that I would ever agree to meet some random online person whom I hadn't taken the time to know well. About the only way I'd ever consider doing such a thing would be at a very public place for lunch, with a check-in with Jeff beforehand …

… if I wasn't catty enough to suggest to my other friends here in town that they, too, have lunch at the same place and keep an eye on me. I'm friendly, but not stupid. Nor was I born yesterday.

So here's today's conversation. Read through it. See if you get the same odd, creepy, stalkerish vibe I got.

[08:51] windsor_king:	good morning amy
[08:52] windsor_king:	i got ur off line message
[08:52] windsor_king:	how r u today
[08:52] windsor_king:	i am coming to huntsville for a visit
[08:52] windsor_king:	work
[08:52] windsor_king:	if i like it, i will try to find a job there
[08:52] Amy:	Aha.
[08:52] windsor_king:	i will have to see how it goes
[08:52] windsor_king:	so how is life with u
[08:52] Amy:	…and your line of work is?
[08:53] windsor_king:	engineering
[08:53] windsor_king:	may i see ur pic amy
[08:53] windsor_king:	i have one
[08:53] windsor_king:	we can be friends if u like
[08:53] windsor_king:	i am friendly and easy going guy
[08:53] windsor_king:	i get along easily with people
[08:54] windsor_king:	we can chat and get to know each other if u like
[08:54] Amy:	Front page of domesticat.net will do the trick. Look, as for meeting - it's extreordinarily rare for me to do such a thing.
[08:54] windsor_king:	to do what my friend for u
[08:55] windsor_king:	i will be staying in hotel room
[08:55] Amy:	I believe in playing people straight, and the truth is that it's very unlikely that I would agree to meet you. I won't say it 'never' happens because, in the past ten years it has happened once or twice, but I've had middling results with the people who have contacted me online and generally won't do it again.
[08:55] windsor_king:	middling like what
[08:56] windsor_king:	we can be friends and meet
[08:56] windsor_king:	it is just between u and me my friend amy
[08:56] windsor_king:	we r both mature and adult
[08:56] Amy:	um, we aren't *friends*. You are someone who has contacted me on IM a couple of times. There's a VAST difference.
[08:56] windsor_king:	u know what i mean
[08:56] windsor_king:	i know i agree
[08:57] windsor_king:	but we can be friendly
[08:57] windsor_king:	let 's meet and spend sometimes together
[08:57] windsor_king:	i will have free time in the afternoon
[08:57] windsor_king:	we can dine out if u like
[08:57] windsor_king:	spend some times together
[08:57] windsor_king:	i will be staying in hotel room alone
[08:57] windsor_king:	i don't like to be alone bored
[08:57] windsor_king:	in the afternoon
[08:58] windsor_king:	really amy we can be friends
[08:58] windsor_king:	and chat
[08:58] windsor_king:	to get to know each other more
[08:58] windsor_king:	it is normal
[08:58] windsor_king:	u r welcome to come over to my hotel room
[08:58] windsor_king:	i will send u an e-mail i fu like to tell u where i am staying
[08:59] windsor_king:	what's u re-mail address
[08:59] windsor_king:	mine is
[08:59] windsor_king:	victorchal [at] hotmail [dot] com (I'm mean, but not mean enough to leave an email address un-munged.—Amy)
[09:00] Amy:	Look. I appreciate all the info. But, like I said, the chances of my agreeing to a meeting are pretty remote. I'll be happy to give you pointers on things to see & do while you're in Huntsville, but the chances of my agreeing to an in-person meeting are EXTREMELY low.
[09:00] windsor_king:	why not amy
[09:00] windsor_king:	what's it
[09:00] windsor_king:	i am friendy and we can trust each other on anyhting u r worried about
[09:01] windsor_king:	there is nothing at all to worry about
[09:01] windsor_king:	believe me
[09:01] windsor_king:	it is only between u and me
[09:01] windsor_king:	no one else will know about our friendship amy
[09:01] Amy:	Gee, could you try harder to make that sound creepy?
[09:02] windsor_king:	it is ok amy
[09:02] windsor_king:	is it ok to chat with u
[09:02] windsor_king:	i don't want u to feel mad with me at all
[09:02] windsor_king:	i will not talk about meeting
[09:02] windsor_king:	is that ok with u
[09:03] Amy:	ALl right, so explain *why* you are coming to Huntsville. You said 'work.' Be more specific.
[09:03] windsor_king:	work training
[09:03] Amy:	Where?
[09:03] windsor_king:	to be trained on new equipment
[09:03] windsor_king:	in huntsvillle for electronic company
[09:03] windsor_king:	in canada
[09:04] Amy:	Which flavor of engineering?
[09:04] windsor_king:	i thought it would be nice to meet a friend while staying there
[09:04] windsor_king:	elctrical software hardware
[09:04] windsor_king:	how about u
[09:04] windsor_king:	amy
[09:04] windsor_king:	what do u do
[09:05] Amy:	who's doing the training?
[09:05] windsor_king:	people who make up the equipment
[09:05] windsor_king:	company that make up the equipment
[09:06] Amy:	Impressively nonspecific
[09:07] windsor_king:	what do u mean
[09:07] windsor_king:	can i see ur pic amy
[09:08] Amy:	Meaning, I'm curious because I know quite a few people in the electrical engineering community here in Huntsville (partly because my spouse is one of them) and I'm curious to know the equipment and who's doing the training
[09:08] windsor_king:	what's ur e-mail to send u e-mail when i come there
[09:08] windsor_king:	oh i c
[09:08] windsor_king:	relax
[09:09] windsor_king:	it is just between u and me
[09:09] windsor_king:	we will not talk about companies or equipment
[09:09] windsor_king:	it is just betwene u and me amy
[09:09] windsor_king:	ok
[09:10] Amy:	Is that supposed to be reassuring? Because to me, it implies that you aren't willing to be forthcoming with specifics on why you're going to be in town.
[09:10] windsor_king:	no not at all
[09:11] windsor_king:	since u r married, better talk about each other not about companies or work
[09:11] windsor_king:
[09:11] windsor_king:	what do u think
[09:12] windsor_king:	no reason to talk about companies since ur husband work with one electronics companies
[09:12] windsor_king:	not interested to know who he is
[09:13] windsor_king:	interested to be ur friend and see if we can meet and spend sometimes together if u like
[09:13] windsor_king:	we will see how it goes
[09:13] windsor_king:	i can tell u honestly u can trust u amy
[09:13] windsor_king:	we r both mature not kids
[09:14] windsor_king:	do u have an e-mail address to send u e-mails
[09:14] windsor_king:	to keep in touch
[09:14] windsor_king:	what' s ur e-mail address
[09:14] Amy:	At this point, I have no intention of giving you that.
[09:14] windsor_king:	oh
[09:14] windsor_king:	how come amy
[09:14] windsor_king:	i gave u mine
[09:14] windsor_king:	to reply too
[09:14] windsor_king:	if u like
[09:14] Amy:	Uh, because you are completely unwilling to give any kind of substantive detail and instead, continually resort to saying things like "it's just between us"
[09:15] windsor_king:	no no
[09:15] windsor_king:	to give any what
[09:15] windsor_king:	u ask me about which company i work for
[09:15] windsor_king:	and who is giving me the training
[09:15] windsor_king:	i gave u my e-mail so u can e-mail me and keep in touch
[09:16] windsor_king:	we can give e-mails
[09:16] windsor_king:	i will keep my work compnay to myself
[09:16] windsor_king:	we just met
[09:16] windsor_king:	we talk about it when we meet
[09:16] windsor_king:	no big deal amy
[09:16] windsor_king:	relax
[09:17] windsor_king:	i asked for ur e-mail to write u a message and u can reply to keep in touch amy
[09:17] windsor_king:	when i get to huntsville, i will give u name of hotel where i will be staying
[09:17] windsor_king:	so what's it that i am not telling u
[09:19] windsor_king:	r u a web desinger
[09:19] Amy:	I asked about the equipment you were coming to Huntsville and being trained on, and where the training was done, because I, too, have a technical degree and would actually find it *interesting* to know what it was, in addition to possibly knowing someone at the company you'd be training at. Anyone who is legitimately traveling for a conference or training seminar can—and does—cough up this information at the drop of a hat.
[09:20] windsor_king:	sure
[09:20] windsor_king:	but do i need to tell u where that is amy in case u know someone there
[09:20] windsor_king:	should i not keep it confidential hon
[09:20] windsor_king:	don't u agree with me
[09:20] windsor_king:	for personal reason
[09:21] windsor_king:	honestly i like chatting with u
[09:21] Amy:	For 'personal reason(s)'? This from a guy who is demanding my email address and a photo?
[09:21] windsor_king:	i cnsider ur good educational background
[09:21] windsor_king:	confidential for work
[09:21] windsor_king:	not for e-mail or pic
[09:21] windsor_king:	i can give u my e-mail and photo
[09:22] windsor_king:	to keep in touch with each other
[09:23] windsor_king:	maybe when i meet u and feel more confident , i can tell u which compnay that is
[09:23] windsor_king:	company
[09:23] Amy:	Oh, nice try.
[09:23] windsor_king:	do u agree amy
[09:23] windsor_king:	don't u agree
[09:23] windsor_king:	it is logical right
[09:23] Amy:	Not even remotely.
[09:24] windsor_king:	but we can chat and step by step it will be ok
[09:24] Amy:	Well, I'd say this chat has done wonders for convincing me that, if you are indeed actually coming to Huntsville, which I seriously doubt, I would make no plans whatsoever to meet you.
[09:25] Amy:	You exhibit no curiosity about the city…
[09:25] Amy:	Dismiss the fact that I have a spouse…
[09:25] windsor_king:	i am coming to huntsville for training related to my work
[09:25] Amy:	Continually suggest your hotel room…
[09:25] Amy:	and can't come up with even a paper-thin description of why you're really going to be here.
[09:25] windsor_king:	to tlel u wheas allre i would be staying that
[09:25] windsor_king:	for work training i told u
[09:25] Amy:	Also suggest that this be just between us…
[09:26] windsor_king:	so
[09:26] windsor_king:	so u can trust me amy
[09:26] Amy:	Oh, yes, and because some random guy says it over IM, it must be true
[09:26] windsor_king:	i will not mention hotel room again if ok
[09:27] windsor_king:	plus what if i mentioned where iw ould be staying
[09:27] windsor_king:	there is nothing wrong with that
[09:28] windsor_king:	we should not be critical about words
[09:30] Amy:	You just really don't get it, do you.
[09:30] windsor_king:	i did
[09:30] windsor_king:	so amy
[09:30] windsor_king:	we will chat later ok
[09:30] windsor_king:	i have to go now my friend
[09:30] windsor_king:	can i clal u friend
[09:30] windsor_king:	or just amy
[09:33] Amy:	Until you can cough up some information that might make me believe you're actually going to be in this town, I'd suggest not bothering.
[09:33] windsor_king:	amy plzzzzz i am coming on july 11
[09:33] windsor_king:	i told u
[09:33] windsor_king:	for my work training
[09:33] windsor_king:	i will send u off line messages to tell u where i will be staying ok
[09:33] windsor_king:	now u believe me
[09:33] Amy:	Um, no.
[09:34] windsor_king:	how canu believe me
[09:34] windsor_king:	how
[09:34] windsor_king:	what can i do
[09:34] windsor_king:	to make u believe me
[09:34] Amy:	Specifics.
[09:34] windsor_king:	like what
[09:34] windsor_king:	then what will happen if i am more specific
[09:34] Amy:	Name of training. Name of equipment being trained on. Dates of seminar. What company is doing the training.
[09:35] windsor_king:	ok
[09:35] windsor_king:	flash stations training
[09:35] windsor_king:	flashing NGC modules
[09:35] Amy:	What will happen? I'll *consider* thinking that you're not a stalker.
[09:35] windsor_king:	telxon units
[09:35] windsor_king:	testers name is Telxon units
[09:35] windsor_king:	i am not a dam stalker at all
[09:35] windsor_king:	i am peaceful amy
[09:36] windsor_king:	i don't like those bad people
[09:36] windsor_king:	i like good friendly people
[09:36] windsor_king:	ok i will conitnue
[09:36] windsor_king:	modules to be programmed training
[09:36] windsor_king:	equipment like telxon units
[09:36] windsor_king:	used for Radio frequencies antennas
[09:36] windsor_king:	configuring the testers
[09:36] windsor_king:	setting up telxon units
[09:37] windsor_king:	flashing modules
[09:37] windsor_king:	is that ok now
[09:37] windsor_king:	amy
[09:37] windsor_king:	amy dear
[09:37] windsor_king:	i have to go now
[09:37] windsor_king:	there is on hour difference between huntsville and canada where i am now
[09:37] windsor_king:	i am one hour advancing
[09:37] windsor_king:	i have to go to do some work now hon ok
[09:38] windsor_king:	i like to chat th u again
[09:38] windsor_king:	would u like to
[09:38] windsor_king:	brb

I hit the 'ignore' button. Seemed the safest option.

My frequently-traveling friends, have I estimated the situation correctly? Someone who is truly traveling on business to an unusual location generally should exhibit some degree of interest in the town (s)he's traveling to. Local color, food, museums, parks, etc. Mention the company in question, ask about where it's located in town, ask questions about the airport, etc.

I admit for a moment I hesitated and thought, "Could it be possible that he's really not comfortable telling me what he's working on?" I do live in Huntsville, which is Space Crap and Top Security Clearances Central … and then I remembered something. He's not American. My in-the-industry friends can pipe up on this one, but I'm pretty sure that throws the whole security-clearance issue out with the baby, the bathwater, and a few of the bath toys too.

Then I reread the rest of the conversation, got my head back on straight, closed the window, and started marking up the conversation for your reading enjoyment. Just remember, kids: if you believe everything that random IMers tell you, the greatest sex you've never had is only a motel room away.

Tact, honey. It's about tact. Heard of it? It's that non-negotiable part between meeting a woman and clubbing her over the head for sex. Some people refer to it as "small talk." I like to think of it as an occasionally-useful part of the pre-coital process.

Hmm. Small. Can't imagine why that word came to mind.

Gentle reader, I present this afternoon's entertainment:

The temptation of near-constant sex is almost enough to make me pack my stuff right now and head to Birmingham before Jeff gets home. I'd have at least a half-hour head start. I'm thinking aces_allnight14 would get through at least eight or nine wholly unsatisfying rounds in that half-hour…

…but I'd have to live the rest of my life with someone who thinks 'u' is an acceptable English variant of 'you.'

While it's true, the 'Y' and 'O' keys are mean little bitches and probably deserve some censure, I just can't condemn them to a life of uselessness. They'd undoubtedly crawl off my keyboard and haunt me in my sleep. They'd sit on the bed while Aces was trying to get his allnight on, staring balefully at me, wordlessly asking me, "Was it worth it?"

Sort of like Tenzing. Without the purring.