Stalk Smart: Things I Know That Astronauts Don't

There is a 'How To Stalk' handbook. Every woman should read it and familiarize herself with the section regarding Target Quality. We, as Liberated Wimmins, have a responsibility to use our new-fangled right to be seen in public sans chaperone (or common sense) with care and dignity. Remember: think before you stalk!

I'm happy to provide this condensed version of the handbook for your reading pleasure:

Target discernment.

Is the target actually physically capable of responding to your advances? (The crucial difference between stalking and necrophilia.) Do not Stalk inanimate objects like phone cords or small rocks. They do not cuddle. Acceptable targets are multicellular in nature and feature a stable core body temperature.

Target selection.

Not all targets are created equal. Maximize the likelihood of a successful Stalking Outcome by seeking potential targets with attributes that enhance the possibility of success. You've already chosen a living, breathing member of your own species. Consider subjects who are currently single. There are unsubstantiated rumors in the Stalking Community that, despite previous teachings, current attachments on the part of the target may hinder success at Stalking.

Relative effort.

Consider tailoring your effort to the target. Don't waste your best efforts on a substandard target! Targets with a mediocre 'yum' factor and/or moderate unavailability should receive efforts proportional to their desirability and/or possibility of success. If target quality is questionable or availability is spotty, consider tried-and-true efforts:

  • Demonstrate your creativity by reassembling magazine headlines into renditions of your lyrical visions that are both visually and grammatically stimulating.
  • Show devotion and self-discipline by calling, then communicating only through the sound of your breathing. (By choosing carefully, you may find that words are superfluous.)

Save the thousand-mile, diaper-wearing drives only for Targets Of Serious Hotness.

* * * * *

Seriously. (Is someone who works dragon*con allowed to say "Stalking is bad!" without the peanut gallery cracking up?) There's a moral to the story of Lisa Nowak. Only stalk the hot and available. Don't strap on a diaper and drive a thousand miles to stalk the other not-quite-girlfriend of a fellow astronaut—who is married to yet another woman—unless he's the hottest and greatest thing since manned spaceflight.

Any less? Stick to phone calls, honey. We geeky women have a reputation to uphold.

Anyone else think this guy's gonna have a long, awkward conversation with his wife over the dinner table tonight?

"Hi, honey … yeah, one of my not-quite-girlfriends decided to stalk my other not-quite-girlfriend and pepper-sprayed her. Made the national news. Love you, honey. Pass the potatoes?"

Break's over. Back to work…


It was the diapers that made the whole thing extra-bizarre. Only astronauts stalk with diapers.

Hmmmm. How to respond. Let me just say that probably none of us reading this comment have to bond with our co-workers as closely as astronauts do. It's right up there with military service, honestly. These people are like family, but without all the taboos of incest. Ever seen how reality TV folks make eyes at each other? Well, I think that this is a lot like that, honestly. None of which is to say that Nowak hasn't cracked. Clearly, something's snapped with her. I'm sad for her: mental illness is painful enough without the whole country laughing at you. Not that it's not chuckle-worthy, but still.